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J4U BETTER STOP POSTING THOSE ****ING POST ABOUT JESUS:mad:
JOKING
400th in this thread:)
Quote:
Osama bin Laden Funny Pages - Ways to Annoy Osama Bin Laden
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.
Mine his bathroom.
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
Quote:
After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises:
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Manila IS ATTACKED?
Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because in Manila, we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.
We do not have tall buildings. The only large structure that can be seen from above is the Marcos monument in Ilocos and terrorists are welcome to target that.
We all get on the job late in the morning specially government employees, so at 8:45 there won't be sufficient people to kill (well, not even at 10 am!).
Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so there will be no casualties among them.
The national airline would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by being delayed again or crash before even getting to the target due to mechanical troubles.
A Pinoy would not have used his cell phone to call home. He would've hit the terrorist with it over the head.
If a terrorist was living for one year in Manila he would've been robbed and molested so many times he would've given up and gone back to his home country a long time ago.
In Manila, the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual, they would've had to pay for it.
You see... in Manila we are well prepared!
Quote:
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
Quote:
Funny Religion Jokes - Microsoft Gets Church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, " said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17, 000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, " the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, " said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, " notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2, 000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth, " echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations, " said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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