"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
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"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
-- Joan Rivers
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
Man who dance in crowded ballroom dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
FROM THE DESK OF
Snow White
Dear Snow White:
Thanks for last night.
Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
Things you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31.You!... Off my planet!
32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
This is the best one so far!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally posted by parksie
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
Ehehehehe.Quote:
Originally posted by barrk
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
I like this one :)
SOME BRAINS ARE DANGEROUS!
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss Universe contest
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-- James P. Hogan
Are these my only choices????Quote:
Originally posted by parksie
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
very unfortunate place to have it.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge
hehehe
What else do you want? ;)Quote:
Are these my only choices????
There's nothing like a good pun....and that was nothing like it.