I believe it is time for competition :p
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I believe it is time for competition :p
NOW
LET'S
GET
SOME
POSTS
(SORRY, surfdemon, but the voices told me to do it;))
You will never win! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
'cuz we have Katie :p
:'( I hope youre wrong ;)
maybe we can get katie to join the opposition
I doubt surfdemon had the foresite to require non-competes :D
You guys will never get away with this!
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending
a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was
wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home
and was speeding... Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in
hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You
know how fast you were
going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind
of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot *******?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!"
Pluralism
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
Nope, she'll never change :p
Twisted Sayings
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Entropy isn't what it used to be
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
Eschew obfuscation
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
My reality check just bounced
Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
IRS - Be audit you can be
PLEASE KATIE :-*
The post marathon needs u. The government is gonna break up the post race anyways.
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
with a cherry on top?
I will NEVER play for the other team!!!!!!!!!
well, actually, by commenting on my poems, u are legally bound to the post marathon. U did not read the agreement, did u?
With no form of official identification all forms of contract are void over the internet :D
yes, but my poem is based in every country waters, and only has a link on the internet. when u click the link, you actually leave the internet, and must abide by the laws of every country.
My lawyer is pretty good, eh?
I think that it would be wrong for me to partake of the post marathon. I've pledged my allegiance to the VB-World Saint CyberSurfer and his Post Race.
:'(, katie, please, i beg of u, u are the driving force behind all the driving forces.
You only have to abide by the laws of the country it's stored in :)
Good job my website is based in outer-somalia.Quote:
Originally posted by parksie
You only have to abide by the laws of the country it's stored in :)
SD
:D
but my poem is based in every country, independantly. each one has 1/4 of a character :p
after much coercion I have been talked into particpating in this thread!
I must add the dispclaimer that this in no way invalidates my loyalty to the Post Race or Saint CyberSurfer....it is merely an adjunct to that. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so here goes!
WAHOOOOO!!!!!!
THANK YOU KATIE!!!!!!!!! :-*
Introducing the new device, trade named
"BOOK".
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and
portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the
fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a
CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper
Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet,
doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided
on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now,
BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned
optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of
the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time
and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting,
though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped
overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any
sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected
information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed.
BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be
used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK
markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the
BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly looking at long-term profit potential. Look for
a flood of new titles soon.
SOME BRAINS ARE DANGEROUS!
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss Universe contest
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island
True Story!
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, “Call 911!”
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
No wonder English is so difficult to learn:
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert to get dessert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors.
His comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour (160,000km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.
In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"
GM also responded: If Microsoft built cars,
1. Every time they re-painted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-- Sauce on noun
THINGS PEOPLE WISH THEY HADN'T SAID
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
* Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
* Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
* The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
* Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
* Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
* Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
* David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
* A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
* H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
* Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
* Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
* Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
* Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
* Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went toHewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
* Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
* 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
* Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
* Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
* Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
* Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
* Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
* Bill Gates, 1981
LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: That there hippie talk fer the rat hole
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Did I scare all of you off already!
I told you you didn't stand a chance!
What a bunch of panty waists! Geesh!
WOw, katie, u post em faster than i can read!
That's the point.........speed and endurance = me!
Beethoven's Ninth
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The symphony is playing Beethoven's Ninth. During a long
break, the bass players decide to slip out to the local pub
and have a few drinks.
Suddenly one realizes they have been gone for a while and
says "We've got to get back."
Another says, "Relax, we've got plenty of time. I tied a
string in the conductor's score and he'll have a time getting
it squared away."
As they come back into the concert hall, a patron in the
audience notices the confusion by the conductor and says,
"Something seems wrong up there."
Her date says, "What do you expect? It's the bottom of the
Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."
Q. What do lawyers and sharks have in common?
A. The EPA gets all touchy about killing sharks.
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She
was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up
the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving,
but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the
army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door
when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that
anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make
mistakes."
Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
Things you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31.You!... Off my planet!
32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where
do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Heee eheeehe eheheee,
Sorry gods still tickling me.
SD
Better check again.....that's me!
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one
started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He
said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a
90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch
it just after it crosses the plate!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot
an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up
to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being
faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even
though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a banner.
Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It sad Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last
night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said: "What was on the banner?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at
night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired
a person for the job.
Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
(2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one
person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will
we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one
GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then
Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they
created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a
payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall
cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the
aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said
there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.