Instructions on how to shower and pee like a man!
How to shower like a man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if' you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your little friend in the mirror, scratch your crotch and smell your fingers one last whiff before showering.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt last, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire again the size of your little friend.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, flash her again and say, "Yeah baby."
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. You look good enough.
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A man's strategy for going to the bathroom
1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
Note: steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended.
7. Wash hands.
8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11. Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
