3 jokes...

Instruction for reading: Read in an Italian
accent

I am a Italiano One day ima gonna LA to bigga
hotel. In a morning I go down to eat breakfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She
brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two
piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no
understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She
say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma
b****. I don't even know the lady and she call me
sonna ma b****!

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The
waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone
wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma b****.

So, I go back to my room ina hotel and there is
no ****s onna my bed. I call the manager and
tella him I wanna ****. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna **** on
my bed. He say you better not **** onna bed, you
sonna ma b****.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say:
"Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna
ma b****, I gonna back to Italy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 98

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III-500, 256 Megs
of RAM, 12 Gig hard drive, and a DVD!
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer wiz
Abbot: Well, I don't know...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And
you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first
lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on,
but I heard that you should be very careful how
you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer
and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and
then..

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button..

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I
know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button!

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the
computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press..

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the
computer, I am willing to press the Stop button,
the End button, Cease and Desist button, but no
one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and
Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think
it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right
now. Good-bye.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crapy happy pappy