Old But Still Funny (an old email)
The Man-Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down:
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear about "the rules" from the female side….
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! (they are all rules #1)
Rule # 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
Rule # 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Rule # 1. Sunday sports? It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Rule # 1. Crying is blackmail.
Rule # 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
Rule # 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Rule # 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Rule # 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
Rule # 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Rule # 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
Rule # 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
Rule # 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Rule # 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Rule # 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing". We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Rule # 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Rule # 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
Rule # 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
Rule # 1. You have enough clothes.
Rule # 1. You have too many shoes.
Rule # 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Re: Old But Still Funny (an old email)
i agree to rule #1, i have no idea what mauve is.
(until i used my friend google and figured it out)
Re: Old But Still Funny (an old email)
This is a classic email all women should be aware of. It should be taught to them in grade school or every father should teach it to their daughters. Things would be much more simple.
Re: Old But Still Funny (an old email)
Excellent post. I've read that list a while back. All true.
I just have one question, in item 8, is Null a character, pointer or an object? ;)
Re: Old But Still Funny (an old email)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MartinLiss
Rule # 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
Rule # 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
These two should be taught to all women the instant they become old enough to walk.
Re: Old But Still Funny (an old email)
Certainly old and certainly still very funny!
Here's some stuff my bro emailed me a few weeks ago. They don't exactly classify as jokes, but should still be good reading:
Quote:
At a time when the US President and other US politicians tend to apologize for their country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some former US personnel handled negative comments about the United States.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles DeGaule, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaule did not respond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if US plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting , an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to."
.
Re: Old But Still Funny (an old email)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
honeybee
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if US plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
Regarding the previous WWII quote, he failed to mention that they also asked* to be brought completely up to speed on the latest weapons research, computer technology and industrial processes (don't forget, the US was behind Europe in the thirties), and made sure everything donated to the war effort was, in fact, loaned with interest meaning that the UK only finished paying them back this year. And they joined over halfway through.
The only thing I would ask for is that it stop being pitched solely as a pure fight for freedom, when in fact it was nothing of the sort. It was a carefully calculated decision, albeit precipitated by the attack of the Japanese, which meant that Europe would pay a high price to get American support and which would maximise advantage to the USA. A powerful Germany in charge of the continent would be far less congenial to America, and they knew it. A nation motivated solely by ensuring freedom for all and sundry would have picked a side at the start of the war and weighed in. Instead, they took the opportunity to negotiate the price of their assistance, knowing full well that they would end up giving it anyway.
Don't get me wrong, all efforts by the US were and are appreciated. But let's also not forget who took the opportunity to squeeze the rest of their Allies and jump from the middle of the global playing field to the very front, the effects of which are still very much apparent today.
Ah well, that's politics for you.
* not really "asked"
