Need Help writing a personal statement (serious)

I am applying to uni so i need to write a personal statement. I'm not very good at writing essays and paragraphs longer than 2 lines so could you lot have a look at this and tell me if its alryt or needs a bit more work.

If you want to edit it, add ur words and highlight the in green. if you think something doesnt sound good and needs to be change highlight it in red

http://m-sn.com/misc/personal_statment.doc

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Personal Statement

I have chosen to study Computer Science because I am fascinated by how computers work and I spend most of my spare time designing programs and web pages because I enjoy problem solving and logical thinking. My ambition is to work in programming for a large and serious research organisation, working as part of a team to research and develop new technology.

I am currently enjoying studying a BTEC National Diploma course in IT which involves a wide range of subjects including mathematics, business, database, networking and many other computing subjects. I chose this course because I believe it represents a broad base of skills essential in the modern world. I feel I am suited to a computing course as I am both experienced in all these skills as well as being able to apply them to my projects in Information Technology. I am for instance aware of the balance required in creating a website between the artistic practice of creating a professional design and analysis of potential audience. I have learned this from studying business, web development, and e-commerce in my course and from also having authored various websites for nearly four years.

My general enjoyment of computing inspired me to teach myself the programming languages VB .NET, and PHP to a relatively advanced level. I have designed and built several programs and websites, the most recent of which is a website for London colleges students called M-sn.com. This involved writing the text for the site, editing the PHP script to best suit the website and designing attractive icons and graphics. I created a second members area using HTML forms and the knowledge of database which I have gained from the course I am studying I also used various different programs like Photoshop and Flash to set up the graphics. I brought in several moderators and administrators to help maintain the website and we worked as a team to fulfill all of our users’ requirements.

I have had a part time job in Arsenal football club as a bar tender and retail assistant for more than 6months now, and due to this I have gained the important qualities of communication, teamwork and independence. At work I was made team leader several times which helped me improve my leadership skills and learn how to work under pressure and deal with stress. Also, in Year 10 I had two weeks work experience in Paddington Police station as an assistant to a police officer. Although this placement was not specifically related to the Internet or programming, I got a taste of what it's like to use computers at an actual place of work for serious matters. During the second week I got the chance use the crime logging system called CRIS (Crime Report Information System) which involved searching for related records of crime for when someone is arrested and also logging in the statements taken.

Out of college hours, in my spare time, I also enjoy going out with my friends, skateboarding around London, playing guitar and going to music gigs and concerts. I spend lots of time reading computer and scientific magazines like PC Magazine, PC Gamer and a few programming E-magazines. I am also good at playing computer games and surfing the internet which greatly benefits my study. I also like reading online reviews and listening to music; I listen to a wide variety of music including rock and classical music.

My ambition is to become a computer scientist and work on computer research, so after I complete the degree I have chosen, I plan to study a masters degree and then a PhD or something similar which would enable me to go into the computer research field professionally. Professionally? Ermmmm (think of another word)

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Well for starters, you haven't said anything about what you stand to gain from a computing degree, you've only said how great you are already.

It sounds like a resumé.

Also you didn't mention your little business venture. I'm sure that would be interesting.

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Originally Posted by CyberSurfer

Well for starters, you haven't said anything about what you stand to gain from a computing degree, you've only said how great you are already.

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good point

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Originally Posted by penagate

It sounds like a resumé.

Also you didn't mention your little business venture. I'm sure that would be interesting.

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rofl. dont that i'd be a good idea

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Originally Posted by MoE70

...I'm not very good at writing essays and paragraphs longer than 2 lines...

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Oh dear. You do realise that most degree courses require assignments in excess of 3,000 words? Perhaps it would be best to take the initiative and phone the university to ask what they are expecting?

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Originally Posted by Valleysboy1978

Oh dear. You do realise that most degree courses require assignments in excess of 3,000 words? Perhaps it would be best to take the initiative and phone the university to ask what they are expecting?

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Now there is a thought! I would also check your grammar and spelling. 6months is written as either six months or 6 months. I would write out all numbers between zero and nine. It's proper. Also, you will need more words, around 3,000 words. It looks like you just threw it together. I would apply to a school that does not require a personal statement until you get some English Comp under your belt.