VB-World Bad Joke Day!

Since I'm bored and there is no one around I have declared this to be VB-World Bad Joke Day! See if you can top these!




Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother
to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they
did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
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Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was
very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and
respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the
roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some
pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.
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Whats the difference between a nun in church and a ***** in a bath tub?

The nun has hope in her soul.
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A polar bear goes into a ice cream shoppe and says, " Can I have a
banana............[long pause]...............split, please?

The clerk says, "Coming right up. But why the big pause?"

The polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know. They've always been like
this."
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Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male
and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the
female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in
this together why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female
canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once
again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I
was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for
a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and
stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I
just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is
untweetable."
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What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat broccoli!
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What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large!
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What do you do if you are an insomniac that is agnostic and dyslexic?
You stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog!
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What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill?
A trip without the kids!
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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time
the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a
while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your
mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a
kite."
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "*****?"
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO" !!!
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An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand to the Italian guy, "You're
in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of
shoveling". And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".

I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I did nota hava no broom. You a said
to the Chinese a guy thata he a was a in a charge of supplies, but he has a
disappeared and I could no find a him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But counna get
meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, but I
counna fin' him".

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese guy Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES SUPPLIES!!!"
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his
ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
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A scientist was working on eternal life. He chose
porpoises as a working model.

He finally (after 6 years) achieved success. But the
process involved feeding the porpoises a specific kind of
seagull found only in Africa. Besides this, the procedure
was opposed by PETA.

The PETA folks decided to watch the scientist, to attempt
to get him thrown in jail.

About 3 weeks later, there was an earthquake and the local
zoo was hard hit. Lions and tigers and bears were running
all over the city. After a few hours, one of the lions got
tired and lay down across the scientist's doorstep.

The scientist came home with the required sea birds, only
to find the lion! Knowing that he had only minutes to feed
the porpoises, he jumped over the lion AND RIGHT THERE THE
PETA PEOPLE GOT HIM!!!!!

The charge:

Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal
porpoises.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff
and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in
the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's
head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week
the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and
killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head
of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to
go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while
when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the
Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a
ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave
pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied,
"Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you
should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand
dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine
were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .
we're going to be millionaires!"

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much....
partying, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm so tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces which leaves 16.2 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government , and that leaves 14 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,00 people to do the work.
Now there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting here reading jokes!

Here's one for British teachers:

What's the difference between an Ofsted inspector and a cosmetic surgeon?

One tucks features...

Abusive
What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?

Amnesia
I forget.

Apathy
I don't care.

Bigotry
I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Blasphemous
God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

Compulsive
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Conditional
Well, it depends.

Damnation
You and your questions can go to hell!

Dictator
I'll tell you when you can ask questions!

Dyslexic
Gniees sdrawkcab.

Egotistical
I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive
Have you done your homework today?

Exhausted
I'm too tired to answer you right now.

Flatulent
That question really stinks!

Greedy
What's in it for me if I tell you?

Hemorrhoids
You know, this is a real pain in the butt!

Hostility
If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

Ignorance
I don't know.

Indifference
It doesn't matter.

Influenza
You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insensitive

I don't care if you don't know the answer.

Insomnia
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Intoxicated
** BURP **

Irreverent
I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Masturbation
I can single-handedly answer that question.

Narcissism
Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Nausea
That question is going to make me vomit.

Nonchalant
It's not important.

Obstinate
I'm not going to tell you.

Over-Protective
I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive
How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid
You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Pessimistic
I'm sure I won't give the right answer.

Procrastination
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive
I already told you the answer once before.

Secretive
I can't tell you right now.

Self-Centered
Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Senile
When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.

Subjective
It's all in how you look at the question.

Suspicious
Why are you asking me all these questions?

Temperamental
What the heck do you want to know that for???

Withdrawn
""

Quote:

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BRUTE, n.
See HUSBAND

---

From The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The Father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.

Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

LOL!!!!!!!!!

Quote:

---

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an
abandoned gas station. They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be
the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray
gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this
way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you
musn't anger him!", but before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them
200 meters into the desert, where they landed in
a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one
who fired turned to the other one and said, "What
a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!
But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing
I've learned during my travels through the
galaxy, it's that if a guy has a ***** he can wrap
around himself twice and then stick into his own
ear, you don't mess with him!"

---

You are just as annoying Barrky. Woof! Woof! Your jokes are horrible and derogative against women. Please stop disgracing our gender. I get very offended when people disgrace women especially another woman. Thank you for your cooperation.

[Edited by Wonder Woman on 12-09-2000 at 06:59 AM]

Quote:

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Originally posted by Wonder Woman in a different thread
I thought we made a deal to avoid each other Barrky?

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Hmm...

Barrk started again in the other thread calling me stupid. Can't have it your way all the time in life. I am still 100% woman Parkay. Why tell me stop talking about myself when you are talking about sex jokes? ;) Good one Barrky.

[Edited by Wonder Woman on 12-09-2000 at 07:00 AM]

Wonder Woman, I am pretty sure I speak for all of VB World (apart from whichever part of it you are) whan I say that you are becoming a serious pain in the arse. If you are who you say you are, why do you only post in chit-chat?

Does that mean you want to be my boyfriend Cyber? 100% real woman. Why does Benji only post in chit-chat? Why ask why?

I only post in chitchat because I hate VB, and I don't know enough C++ to help people very much.. but every once in a while I post in the HTML forum.......

Barrk's joke was just as insulting to men as it was to women, and maybe even more so to men. So, don't get down on her for insulting women. I actually found the joke quite funny.

Thanks smh. That's what I thought too!

The symphony is playing Beethoven's Ninth. During a long
break, the bass players decide to slip out to the local pub
and have a few drinks.

Suddenly one realizes they have been gone for a while and
says "We've got to get back."

Another says, "Relax, we've got plenty of time. I tied a
string in the conductor's score and he'll have a time getting
it squared away."

As they come back into the concert hall, a patron in the
audience notices the confusion by the conductor and says,
"Something seems wrong up there."

Her date says, "What do you expect? It's the bottom of the
Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."

what is it mean when your wife leave the kitchen,?
the leash is too long!!

Quote:

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If all around you people are losing their heads

---

...then run quick before the executioner gets there.

sebs Wonder Woman's not gonna be happy.


Why can't women ski?

Because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

No, I do not like your new signature.

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
> exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks
> it
up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful
mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he
gave
> me
a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we
had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much
in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A Sealion is driving along when his car breaks down. Knowing nothing about cars the Sealion calls the AA out. The AA man arrives and starts to look at the car. Whilst waiting the Sealion notices an Icecream van, and waddles over to get one while the AA man is working. Having flippers, the Sealion has trouble holding the Icecream and smears it all over his face, but really enjoys it and finishes it off. He then sees the AA man waving at him so he waddles back to his car. The AA man looks at him and says,
'Looks like you've blown a seal', the Sealion replies, 'No I haven't I've just had an Icecream'

he he he

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy say ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

---

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently-married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked!" said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy,and he makes me happy."said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," The daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door.
The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it," he replied.