Bathroom Etiquette

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare
but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you
get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the
splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all
is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many
beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could
close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.

The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in. Napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl
look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging
your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the heat
shield of the Shuttle. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
How you wish you put the andrex in the fridge beforehand.

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could
use the curtains but then someone would ask, "where are the curtains?"
Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same
conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face...pull up your kecks
tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
Failing that, you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet, and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature
for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts,
and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever
see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming
"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!". There are only three things you can
do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell that you have some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next trap hits the floor like a
Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16.... Damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At
the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor,
3. Sing the a verse and a chorus of "Marching all Together".

The Cling-On Dump

You're all but done, yet there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. So that explains the demise of
the Amazon Rainforest.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to
leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores...

The Houdini Dump

You've finished. You stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it
creep around the u-bend or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile
at the next person who comes in!