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These are stories from help desks around the world.
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to
determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system
error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
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One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn
thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
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Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:> \ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar. . ."
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And the best for last!!!!
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
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hehehehehehehehehehehe
This is my funniest support call....actually happened
Customer "We don't seem to be able to load your software"
Support "Oh ok have you read the instruction sheet"
Customer "Yes but that didn't help"
Support "Ok will talk you through it. Have you got a disk labelled Setup."
Customer "No, but l have one called Install Disk 1"
That should have indicated something to me, but figured it was an old DOS program we used to support.
Support "Good insert it into your A drive"
Customer "OK have it in their"
Support "Ok goto Start, Run and type in a:\setup.exe then hit return"
Customer "Where's the start"
Support "It's the little button with Start on it, on the bottom left of your screen"
Customer "No start button there"
Support "That's ok we can do it another way, click on my computer"
Customer "Don't have that button either"
Support "No its an icon on your screen towards the top left hand side"
Customer "No l just have the standard icons"
Support "Hmmmm.....are you sure your a Visage customer"
Customer "Visage who are they?"
Support "Actually that's who you are talking to"
Customer "Oh sorry, l was trying to reach the Macintosh centre".:(:(:(
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A man walks into a bar with three ducks. He goes up to the bar to order himself a drink but before he gets there the barman comes over and says
barman: "Hang about mate, no animals allowed in here."
man "Theese are amazing ducks and they can talk."
barman: "Ok if I can get a conversation out of all of them they can stay."
so the barman goes up to the first duck
barman: "If you can talk what's your name?"
duck1: "My name is Tom."
barman: "Ok tom what have you been doing today?"
duck1: "I've been going in and out of puddles all day,and iv'e really enjoyed myself."
barman: "Ok then you can stay here."
Then he goes up to the second duck
barman: "If you can talk what's your name?"
duck2: "My name is Dick."
barman: "Ok Dick what have you been doing today?"
duck2: "I've been going in and out of puddles all day,and iv'e really enjoyed myself."
barman: "Ok then you can stay here."
Finally he goes up to the third duck
barman: "I suppose you name is Harry Then?"
duck3: "No, my name's Puddles and i've had a f@*king awful day".
He He
Ian
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Another duck joke...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What the ***** do they want with a plasterer?"
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Some more tech support stories (also true):
A lady calls up the tech support but the people are unable to fix the problem over the phone. So, before going to her house and fixing the problem they ask her to send them the disk and they will replace it, thinking that the disk itself is probably defective. The lady proceeds to fax them the disk.
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Man: Hello? The cupholder on my computer broke.
Tech: Cupholder? I was unaware our computers came with cupholders.
Man: Well mine did, and it broke. Are you going to send me a new one?
Tech: Hold on, now what kind of cupholder is it?
Man: It's in my computer, you just push the button and it pops right out.
(At this point the tech support man muted his end of the line because he was laughing hysterically.)
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A woman once called in because when she tried to print the label for one of her disks the printer broke the disk the label was on.
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Dell is thinking of replacing the "Press any key" screen because everyone calls in asking where the "any" key was.
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Me: You know, you can print off your own labels for your CDs.
Friend: Yeah, but you have to buy a whole new printer.
Me: No you don't.
Friend: Then how do you get the CD through without breaking it?
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Here's a joke..
A man was walking down the street going to a local bar, when he noticed he alomst stepped on some dog crap..
so he gets to the bar and when he gets in the bar he walks up to the bartender with the dog crap in his hands and says
"Hey bartender look what i almost stepped in!!!"
hehehehehe
later
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A Man Walked into a Bar.
Ouch. It was an Iron Bar.
The old ones are the best.
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Why don't I just save myself the time and have all of you go here.
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http://newjoke.com/
warning NOT for kids, they have some dirty jokes, also a link to a porn site... so do not let your young child go to it....
:)
there were three guys walking down the street, they see something brown on the ground...
the first one picks it up and says "This feels like dog $#it" the second one picks it up, smells it and says "this smells like dog $#it", the third one, picks it up, tastes it and says "this tastes like dog $#it"(why he would know what it tastes like I do not know), and the first one says "wow I am sure glad we didnt step in it"
:D
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Here's another dud....
A one legged man was hitchiking by the side of the road when all of a sudden some guy stoped and opend the door and told the one legged man "Hop in!".......DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUMMMM!!!!!
