Great news for all you men!
Mowing, yard work causes cancer in men. OSHA orders all men to stop cutting grass.
WASHINGTON (JAD)
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration has issued an immediate call for men to stop all yard work. "This is a startling discovery and so we're taking immediate plans to get the word out," an OSHA representative says.
Because of the Y chromosome in men, yard work such as mowing, mulching, weed whacking, hedge trimming, and raking causes brain cancer. Studies have been indirectly conducted ever since the first appearance of the "HunnyDew List" back in prehistoric times, but now OSHA is certifing those results.
"We're serious about this," the head of OSHA said. "A man, if he wants to live to a ripe old age, shouldn't be lifting anything but a beer out in the yard."
Scientists have shown that it actually improves a man's health, though, to supervise his wife as she does the yardwork. "Oh, there's no doubt about that. Put a Bud Light in the guy's hand and have 'em tell mama she missed a spot over by the fence . . . man, that's good living."
OSHA is expected to release a similar ban on housework, too. "We can't be too careful. So taking trash is out. A dirty dish or diaper should never be touched by someone with a *****."
The Surgeon General has chimed in and has suggested massive amounts of Internet Porn may hold the key to a complete recovery to any man who's been exposed to yard work. "I don't want to sugarcoat this. It's going to be a long recovery process. As long as his wife or girlfriend makes sure he's well stocked up with the beverage of his choice and plenty of snacks, and liberal doses of backrubs, footrubs, and, yes, even oral sex, then we believe a man can make a full recovery in about 15 to 20 years."
