Botox

This week, America's drug administration approved the cosmetic use of Botox, a paralysing agent which is injected into the face, particularly the forehead. Since the muscles are frozen, and thus the wrinkles begin to disapear. George Orwell famously said that "by 50, everyone has the face they deserve", which presumably should be rewritten : "By 50, everyone has the face they can afford."

Millions of Americans are already using the expensive treatment, together with a fair few Australians. The question, though, is why you'd want a face that could no longer frown? I use my frown all the time. I find it a useful staging post between the faint unease and all out war. Used properly it can express multiple levels of displeasure, without requiring the frowner to actually spell things out.

This is particularly in relationships, where one often finds oneself wanting to express mild annoyance, while, if called to account, being able to deny that anything at all was intended. Frowning at you? No my Love, I was just squinting in the sunlight. Of course, the grass is always greener. If human beings had developed the frown, someone would have tried to. Imagine the late night tv commercials " Amaze your friends. Learn how to express your emotions through your face. Tell a boyfriend he is not behaving properly without having to spell it out! Put the pressure on a child to his homework, without having a big verbal showdown! All this could be yours with The Frown (patent pending). Be among the first 300 callers and we'll also throw in the instructions for The Dirty Look, The Stare, and The Scowl. (edit sound like superheros to me)

Not only do I treasure my own frown, I'd hate to live among the Botoxed and frownless. How could you tell what they are thinking? Already I regularly embarass myself at parties, getting drunk and telling stories that go on and on and on and on. Only by training myself to watch for tell tale signs of boredom - frowns and glares and people collapsing into week long commas - have I escaped total social opprobrium.

I also love the subtelties of the frown. Each frown is made up of a hatchwork of lines, mostly verticals and horizontals, yet their precise alignment can convey anything from agast horror over politics, to uncertainty about one of Wally Pipps comments.

This tiny hatchwork, located in the center of the forehead, has all the precision and eloquence of a chinese character. Amazingly, we can read it across cultures and ages, and usually understand exactly what is meant. Imagine a spoken language that could do so much, with such delicacy, and in so tiny a space. Imagine, given such a language, that people would willingly render themselves mute! But that is the glory that is Botox.

My hands hurt from typing this in so far, anyone not bored is welcomed to encourage me to finish the second half of the article.