Want a Raise? Think again

I the *****, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor
* Work at great depths
* I work headfirst
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the order of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Your request for a raise is denied.

Human Resources