Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"
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Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"
.
I thought you were going to start with the short jokes......not a short joke.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
All of Dixon's electrical stores in Afghanistan are being forced to close.
Economic experts believe this is a result of the telly ban.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gives her one.
Yup its got to that point on a Friday when nobody can be arsed to do any work. So while you dream about all the fun to be had of hte weekend, please take heed of the following warning. It must be real because I got it through e-mail.
Guys - beware. This is terrifying, and it's not a hoax
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it is
generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on harridans who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men might be stung for their life's worth in a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and have already been sexually attacked.
Please! Forward this to every male you know.......... However, if you Fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of smilarly-affected like-minded guys. For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Public House' in the yellow pages.
So, take care.
An Englishman , Irishman, One-legged lesbian, a blonde, a brunette and a talking parrot walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some sort of joke?"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son:
"To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."
The son looks at his father and asked:
"Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
Father says:
"My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."
The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:
"Daddy what are Arabs?"
A seal walks into a club...
Best one so far....:DQuote:
A seal walks into a club...
Personally, I preferred:
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:Quote:
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
"Pint please, and one for the road."
I really liked
Quote:
Daddy what are Arabs?"
i did, cruel but funny, a bit like the one where the seal walks into a club
A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Thank you for that InvisibleDuncan. I haven't had a good Groan in a long, long time.
Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and encounters the big bad wolf.
"Mister Wolf, your eyes are so small"
"Push off, I'm ****ting"
Not a good one but there you are
:D
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
InvisibleDuncan: Candor calls himself "The Master Of Duh"
You should call yourself "The Master Of Groan"
You don't mean that, Hack; you're luvvin' it!
http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_warnings.swf
You are correct InvisibleDuncan, and I've passed these groaners along to several dozen folks, all of whom were, like me, groaning between fits of laughter!!!!!!!!!!!:D :D
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Ohhhhhhhh...the bar has definately been raised on the
Groan-O-Meter
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".
"I dub thee Crap Joke Master #1002 InvisibleDuncan"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Speaking from experience Gaf?
Goddamright...
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
lmfao! :D
At a coffee morning 2 women are talking about their daughers success in the big city.
"Well, my daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in New York," one beams, "She has furs and jewels and goes out to fancy restaurants every night."
The other women nods appreciatively.
"Yes," she says, "My daughter sleeps around too."
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My ***** is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized *****."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's trousers, she began to scream and ran out of the room.
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your ***** was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is.....8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long..."
I think that Katie would like to meet that bloke Jim... :D lol
Two blondes are walking in the forest and come across some tracks. The first one kneels down (she's good at that) to take a closer look and then exclaims 'Eh Trace - I think these are bear tracks'. The other also kneels down to take a closer look, 'Nah Shaz, they're definitely from a rabbit'
'No Bear'
'No Rabbit'
'It is a Bear'
'Never, its a Rabbit'
'Bear'
'Rabbit'
'Bear'
'Rabbit'
They argued like this for 5 minutes when suddenly they were run over by a train.
Mornin' all!
I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I thought these were supposed to be short jokes :rolleyes:
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits"
How do blondes print a Word document?
http://www.vbforums.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=576980
Piss off GafferQuote:
I thought these were supposed to be short jokes
Hows that for short!;)
15 Signs You Drank Too Much
15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
I said to a mate, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".