you trying to be funny ?

[alex_read]

Ok everyone, I (like everyone else on this site it appears) am totally bored this week.

I want to know the most patetic / weak jokes you have all been told, who can come up with the worst ?

(ps, funny one in my e-mail today:
PATIENT: doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing "sex bomb"
DOCTOR : hmmmm, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome,
PATIENT: oh no, is it common?
Doctor: it's not unusual)

[Ianpbaker]

a man walks in to a bar

















































it bloody hurt

[alex_read]

Very good !

an Irishman walks out of a bar....

[Ianpbaker]

What do you call a man with one arm, one leg and one eye














































bloody unlucky

AHAHAHA!!!!!

an irishmen walks out of a bar

now thats funny

Ian, hopefully this will turn into another "walks into bar" agrument..... you may have missed it, but it was really funny

nobody will be bored if that happens again

[parksie]

<the bar falls on Ian>
<parksie finishes Ian's drink>

[Ianpbaker]

ian get's up after being hit by a bar, find's his drink has gone, get's out his M16 and mow's down the entire bar, safe in the knowledge that some one in their drank it (beer comes before all else)

dennis- i did miss that discussion - what was it about ?

another irish one

two irish men in a pub talking.

1: here, paddy have you heard of this thing called logic
2: logic?, what's that
1: it very good. Have you got a goldfish ?
2: Yes
1: so logic tells me, if you've got a goldfish, you've got a goldfish bowl
2: it's true, it's true
1: so logic tells me, if you've got a goldfish and a goldfish bowl, youv'e got kid's
2: it's true, it's true, carry on
1: so logic tells me, if youv'e got a goldfish,goldfish bowl and kid's you've got a wife
2: it's true, it's true, carry on
1: so logic tells me, if youv'e got a goldfish,goldfish bowl, kid's and a wife, you don't need to masterbate
1: that is so true, i've got to tell O'leary about this

So paddy goes other O'leary and says

2: Oleary, have you heard this thing called logic
3: logic?, what's that
2: it very good. Have you got a goldfish ?
3: No
2: so logic tells me your a ******

[fallnwrld]

An Italian walks to the bar and says get off da damn irish. And the Irish says....





































Let me get off ja damn wifie first.

[Arbiter]

What's white and hurts when it falls on your head?









































A fridge.

---------------------------------------------------

(This one has to be the all time worst!)

What's brown and sticky?







































A stick.

[Edited by Arbiter on 09-20-2000 at 09:46 AM]

[Ianpbaker]

Arbiter, There's a nice white padded room waiting for you, with a jacket with very fashionable strap's

Ian

[Ianpbaker]

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says
























Why such the long face?

[Arbiter]

Oooh! I like fashionable jackets with straps!

Does it have the arms tailored to make scratching your back easier?

[Ianpbaker]

that's the one, the jacket that is for people who love themselves so much, they hugg themselves all the time

Ian

[Arbiter]

Why did the monkey paint its testicles red?









































To hide in the cherry tree!

------------------------------------------------------------

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?









































A Giraffe eating cherries

[Ianpbaker]

i'm at work at the moment and just went to badjokes.com to re-stock my supplies, only to find out it's a porn site with about 20 popups. I've just been frantically tring to close them before anybody had a chance to see. Now that is funny

Ian

[Arbiter]

Nice one Ian!

That's the excuse I use as well

Here we go...

A man was walking along a California beach and was in
deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me
the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now.
Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord
in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and
determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request
it
was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I
think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you
have
been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask
for."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying
and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I
can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of
the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!!! Your
request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it,
but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honor and glorify Me as well."

The man thought about it for a long while and tried to
think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord.
I've been married for many years. My wife always said that I don't
care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women...I
want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they
give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they're crying...I
want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want to
know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish that I want,
Lord."

Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes
or four on that bridge?"

[Arbiter]

Two cows in a field and one says

"moo".

The other one says

"I was going to say that"

----------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown and one says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

----------------------------------------------

[Arbiter]

One for the Brits...

2 Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.


He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.


"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".


The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
"Scouse Eggs."

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so
many officers.


"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*stards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

[Arbiter]

HO HO, I'm on form now!!

COME ON!!!!

[Ianpbaker]

A crab goes into a bar and say's give me a pint now the barman says




























no need to be crabby mate

[Ianpbaker]

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. MAN: "What was that for?"

WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.


Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What in the world was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."

[Ianpbaker]

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

















































It has great food, but no atmosphere.

[alex_read]

wow, ok Ian's in the lead at the mo as that crab one was appauling! (also, is that an L or an I by the way ? )

For the pop up's, I think I read this here or a win98 forum, there's a program called popupkiller which sorts these out (search yahoo etc for this one...

So this woman goes into a supermarket and sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for 1 dollar. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, "is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam" replied the manager "5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."

Another bad one now :
Patient: "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
Doctor: "How's that?"
Patient: "Don't you start"


[Edited by alex_read on 09-20-2000 at 10:46 AM]

[Arbiter]

Hey come on guys, my "stick" joke was pretty dire!!!

One from a collegue:

Why don't blind men skydive?

Scares the hell out of the guide dog!

[Arbiter]

What do you call a dinosaur who was out on the booze last night and had pretty nasty curry?

A mega-sore-arse!

OK, I'll get my coat...

[Ianpbaker]

What goes up but doesn't come down?







































A kangaroo stuck in a tree.

[Arbiter]

An eMail I recieved a while back...

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for
a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

[Ianpbaker]

What do you call an 800 pound gorilla?







































Anything he wants to be called.

[Arbiter]

You're dredging the bottom of the barrel there.

A variation of the old

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?

Sir!

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What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

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Right, I'm going home now. Another hard days work done (there's a joke if there ever was one!).

Let's see what appears between now and after I've gone home and had my tea. The mind boggles...

[Ianpbaker]

there ment to be really bad

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?





















in his sleevies.

[alex_read]

Blimy, that is an oldie. Ian, what do you mean:

Their meant to be really bad

?????

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?
Sir!

Is hardly the funniest I have heard....

[Ianpbaker]

his one about the son-in-law isn't a bad one

right be warned this is even worse than the crab joke

What's big, red, and eats rocks?






















A big red rock eater

[alex_read]

Ok, I thought the Crab & Twig /stick ones were very good, that one rocks though (sorry, had to put that in). Excellent, that will take some beating!

[Sam Finch]

Ghandi was an Indian Mystic who Didn't wear shoes, This gave him a vary impressive set of Calluses on his feet, he was also very thin and as he got older he became very fragile and looked like he would snap like a twig if he fell over, and he never brushed his teeth, which gave him very bad breath.

This Made him....




















































A Super Callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Juan Carlos Rey]

Very funny, boys!

Now: How do you call a boomerang that wont come back???






A Stick.

[Jamagei]

two gold fish were in their tank, one looks at the other and say "Do you want to drive?"

what do you call a man with three heads?
a freak, what else!

how many indians can you get in a car?
6, three in the back two in the front and one under the bonnet going budda budda budda budda budda budda budda

how do you get three hundred eithiopians into a telephone box? throw in a tin of beans.

how do you get them back out again?
run past with a tin opener

what's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
Kermit in a liquidiser

what do you call a man with some wood on his head?
edward

what do you call a man with three bits of wood on his head?
edward woodward

what doyou do if you come across a rhino?
wipe it off and say you are sorry

what do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill?
swim for it.

what's the difference between a pile of bricks and a pile of babies?
you can't move the bricks with a pitchfork.

it's not fair all the worst ones i can remember have gone.

What do you call Edward Woodward without Ds?
























Ewar Woowar

It's yellow and hurts when you swallow it....






































A bulldozer...

What's the best way to remember your girlfriend's birthday, FOREVER?....






































Forget it once!