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Thread: Post Race!

  1. #2321
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Pluralism

    We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
    But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

    The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
    Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

    You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
    Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

    If the plural of man is always called men,
    Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

    If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
    And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that and three would be those,
    Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
    And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

    We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
    But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,

    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,

    So English, I fancy you will all agree,
    Is the funniest language you ever did see.

  2. #2322
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Precisely!
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  3. #2323
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by or rearranging
    the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally
    clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is
    deadly at Scrabble.

    Word When you rearrange the letters

    ------------------------------------------------------
    Dormitory Dirty Room
    Desperation A Rope Ends It
    The Morse Code Here come Dots
    Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
    Animosity Is No Amity
    Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
    Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
    Alec Guinness Genuine Class
    Semolina Is No Meal
    The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
    A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
    The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
    Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
    Contradiction Accord not in it
    Astronomer Moon Starer

  4. #2324
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Morning Prayer
    Dear Lord,
    So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
    temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
    However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need
    alot more help after that.
    Amen.

  5. #2325
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Twisted Sayings

    Dyslexics have more fnu

    Clones are people, two

    Entropy isn't what it used to be

    Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

    Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

    Eschew obfuscation

    186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

    Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

    Anything free is worth what you pay for it

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization

    COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    Editing is a rewording activity

    Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

    My reality check just bounced

    Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

    No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

    Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

    IRS - Be audit you can be

  6. #2326
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

    How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me
    . . . they were cramming for their finals.

    I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to
    these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
    while they delivered the mail?

    Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

    How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

    VENI, VEDI, VISA:
    I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

    STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    Clones are people two.

    If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

    Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

    No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

    As I said before, I never repeat myself!

    If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

    Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Think "honk" if you're telepathic.



  7. #2327
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Fortune's Guide to Movies:
    G: No girl.
    PG: The hero gets the girl.
    R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
    X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
    which end it will be.
    XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  8. #2328
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    More Than One Blonde Joke

    Q: What goes "Vroom-screech, vroom-screech?
    A: A blonde driving through a flashing red light.

    Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
    A: A golden retriever.

    Q: What did the blonde say when she went to check if her turn
    signal was working?"
    A: "Yes it is. No it isn't. Yes it is. No it isn't."

    Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
    A: Toes Go In First.

    Q: Why did the M&M manufacturer fire their blonde employees?
    A: Because they kept throwing away the W's.

    Q: What do you call four blondes at a four way stop? A: Eternity.

    Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower?
    A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Wash, rinse, and
    repeat."

    A blonde got very depressed when she looked at her
    driver's license and saw she had an "F" in sex.

    Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
    A: Pregnant.
    Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    A: You can park in the handicap zone.

    Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
    A: It takes too long to retrain them.

    Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
    A: There's white-out on the screen.
    Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
    A: There's writing on the white-out.


    Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
    A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

    Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
    A: So they know what day of the week it is.

    Q: Why did God create blondes?
    A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

    Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes from the waist down?
    A: Marriage.

    Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
    A: You don't. They're born that way.
    Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
    A: From eating with forks.

    Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
    A: Grade 4.

    Q: What is the definition of a man's perfect woman?
    A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

    Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
    A: One.

    Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
    A: Far-from-thinkin
    Q: What did the Blonde get on her S.A.T.?
    A: Nail polish!

    Q: What do you call half a dozen blondes standing shoulder to
    shoulder?
    A: A wind tunnel


  9. #2329
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
    been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
    government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
    through the first five years of her marriage may request the service
    of a proxy father--a government employee who attempts to solve the
    couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

    The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is
    due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The
    government man should be here soon."

    Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...

    Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

    Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come
    to..."

    Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

    Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
    especially twins."

    Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
    in and have a seat."

    Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?

    Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree
    that this is the right thing to do."

    Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

    Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

    Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
    one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
    living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

    Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
    for Harry and I."

    Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
    time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven
    angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my
    business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

    Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

    Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
    his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
    disappointed with that."

    Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

    Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures)
    "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of
    a bus in downtown London."

    Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

    Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
    They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
    was so difficult to work with."
    Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

    Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
    Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such
    impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five
    deep, pushing to get a good look."

    Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

    Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got
    so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the
    crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men
    no restrain her. By that time darkness was appoaching and I began
    to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment
    I just packed it all in.

    Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..,
    equipment?"

    Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider
    my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my technique.
    Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big
    department store."

    Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

    Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
    that we can get to work."

    Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
    Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
    It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting.
    Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My word, she's fainted."

  10. #2330
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
    sex again.
    DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
    FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance
    apart
    to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
    FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
    strained carrots.
    FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
    GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though
    they're sure you're not raising them right.
    HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
    IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
    INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything
    we say.
    OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
    PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
    PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
    shoes into it.
    SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
    STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
    your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
    TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
    TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
    those familiar grunting noises.
    VERBAL: able to whine in words.
    WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.


  11. #2331
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect
    repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
    "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
    it."
    The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie
    you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there
    is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
    The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
    The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
    stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
    The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
    Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single
    bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and
    drawn,
    but not one bite on him.
    The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on
    you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
    The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Jeezus
    Christ,
    Mister, Doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

  12. #2332
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
    father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the
    car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll
    make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible
    a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

    After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father
    if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the
    father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud
    of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your
    bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

    The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've
    been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses
    had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
    hair...."

    To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where
    they went!"

  13. #2333
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    An Illinois man left Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

    His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day.

    When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

    Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

    When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Your Loving Husband.

    P.S: Sure is hot down here.

  14. #2334
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
    Father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.

    Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

    The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

    With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

    "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

    With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
    play.

    Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother
    and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
    ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

  15. #2335
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    CREATION

    God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working
    constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
    You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

    The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much.
    Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

    Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance
    over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
    companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
    And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that
    is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

    God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You
    shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be
    funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey
    responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is
    too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
    was so.

    Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only
    rational being that walks the earth. You will use your
    intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You
    will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

    And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
    little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the
    15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
    And it was so.

    And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and
    live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his
    back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog,
    guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the
    pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
    acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

  16. #2336
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Work Evaluations

    1) "Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

    3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

    5) "Since my last report, he has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

    6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change which-ever foot was previously in there."

    7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

    8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    9) "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    10) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

    11) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    12) "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

    13) "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

    14) "A room temperature IQ."

    15) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

    16) "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

    17) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

    18) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

    19) "Bright as Alaska in December."

    20) "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."

    21) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

    22) "Fell out of the family tree."

    23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

    24) "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

    25) "He's so dense, light bends around him."

    26) "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

    27) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

    28) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

    29) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

    30) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

    31) "One neuron short of a synapse. "

    32) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled"

    33) "Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. "

    34) "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

    35) "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. "

  17. #2337
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room
    watching television when the phone rang.

    "Hello?"

    A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

    I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was
    probably a wrong number and I was bored.

    "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

    "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

    "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

    Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

    "Is this Steve?"

    My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

    "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

    "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to
    call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

    I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago,
    and said that he would be back at 10:00."

    A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

    "The girl he went out with."

    "I know that! I mean... who is she?"

    "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a
    message for Ben?"

    "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

    She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear
    her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

    She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"

    Apparently she wasn't.

    "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you
    were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

    "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice
    called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him
    to call me as soon as he gets home."

    I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to
    like this..."

    *Click*
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  18. #2338
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing
    off?

    A: Spit, swallow and blowing bubbles
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  19. #2339
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    The local United Way office realized that it had never received
    a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a
    volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

    "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth
    millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community
    through The United Way."

    The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying
    from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far
    beyond her ability to pay?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."

    "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind,
    confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six
    children?"

    The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."

    "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a
    dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge
    mortgage and three young children?"

    The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."

    The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to
    them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  20. #2340
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Originally posted by parksie
    Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing
    off?

    A: Spit, swallow and blowing bubbles
    My, oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. #2341
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy began: "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs broke and made a mess."

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    Lucy was next: "Our family are farmers too. But we raise our chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is: Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Lucy," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the
    middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun before it ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

    "Don't f*k with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

  22. #2342
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    What Is Love?

    In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what
    do
    little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their

    young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of
    that
    four-letter word.

    Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the
    way.

    Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
    everyday.

    Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
    and
    they go out and smell each other.

    Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french
    fries
    without making them give you any of theirs.

    Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

    Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no.

    When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You
    know
    that your name is safe in her mouth.

    When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she

    won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does
    she
    still love you, she loves you even more.

    Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
    presents for a minute and look around.

    When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
    toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even
    when
    his hands got arthritis too. That's love.

    Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
    friends
    even after they've know each other so well.

    Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
    before
    giving it to him, to make sure the taste is ok.

    God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,
    but He
    didn't. That's love.

    Love comes from people's hearts, but God made hearts.

  23. #2343
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: “Don’t.”
    “Don’t what?” Adam replied.
    “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.
    “Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ...we got forbidden fruit!”
    “No way!”
    “Yes way!”
    “Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
    “Why?”
    “Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
    “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” the First Parent asked.
    “Uh huh, “ Adam replied.
    “Then why did you?”
    “I dunno” Eve answered. “She started it!” Adam said.
    “Did not!”
    “Did too!”
    “DID NOT!!”
    Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
    Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
    But there is reassurance in this story.
    If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

  24. #2344
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    If it was going to be easy, it never
    would have started with something called labor!

    **********************************************
    Shouting to make your children obey is like using the
    horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

    **********************************************
    To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to
    be in their lives today.

    **********************************************
    The smartest advice on raising
    children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

    **********************************************
    The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a
    pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.

    **********************************************
    The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm
    hearts, not by hot heads.

    **********************************************
    Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

    **********************************************
    Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.


    **********************************************
    The joy of motherhood: the time when
    all the children are finally in bed.

    **********************************************
    Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need
    baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

    **********************************************
    Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name
    is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    **********************************************
    Grandparents are similar to a piece of string handy to
    have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.


    **********************************************
    Adolescence is the age when children
    try to bring up their parents.


    **********************************************
    Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like
    trying to shovel the driveway during
    a snowstorm.

    **********************************************
    There are only two things a child will share willingly --
    communicable diseases and his mother's age.

    **********************************************
    Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking
    questions because they know all the answers.

    **********************************************
    An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't
    have small children.

    **********************************************
    No wonder kids are confused today.
    Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other
    half tell them to get lost.

    **********************************************
    Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

    **********************************************
    Avenge yourself ~ Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

  25. #2345
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

  26. #2346
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    Katie (and Parksie), you have WAY too much time on your hands. Reviewing this has made me laugh tho' particularly your definitions of STERILISE and OW!

    Cheers,

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  27. #2347
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    We do try...
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  28. #2348
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    Very trying...

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  29. #2349
    Guest

    Hahahha

    Don't you get an e-mail everytime somebody responds?

    wow...

    Masterguy

  30. #2350
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    Nope, turned that baby off!

    Just in case anyone hasn't noticed. I'm WINNING!

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  31. #2351
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    You WERE winning! Now I am!!!!!!!

  32. #2352
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    HA That's what YOU think!!!

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  33. #2353
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Welcome back Paul...nice holiday??????????

  34. #2354
    Hyperactive Member tumblingdown's Avatar
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    There can be only one.

    Hey Paul, Katie, et al. How's ting an ting?



    td.
    "One logical slip and an entire scientific edifice comes tumbling down." - Robert M. Pirsig


    tumblingdown@hotmail.com

    "but if Einstein is right and God is in the details, reality requires that we sometimes get religion." - Scott Meyers.

  35. #2355
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Yep..there can be only one...I still have my head...how 'bout you?

  36. #2356
    Hyperactive Member tumblingdown's Avatar
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    hanging on by a thread.


    td.
    "One logical slip and an entire scientific edifice comes tumbling down." - Robert M. Pirsig


    tumblingdown@hotmail.com

    "but if Einstein is right and God is in the details, reality requires that we sometimes get religion." - Scott Meyers.

  37. #2357
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Help me!!!!!!!!

    If no one is out there to talk to...I will be forced to spend all day posting very bad humor!!!!!!

    Did you get lots of goodies td? material or otherwise ;-)

  38. #2358
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    All right...you drove me to it!!!!!!!

    Then & Now...................


    1970 Long hair

    2000 Longing for hair


    1970 The perfect high

    2000 The perfect high-yield mutual find


    1970 Acid rock

    2000 Acid reflux


    1970 Moving to California because it's cool

    2000 Moving to California because it's hot


    1970 Growing pot

    2000 Growing pot belly




    1970 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents

    2000 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your grandchildren



    1970 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

    2000 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor


    1970 Popping pills, smoking joints

    2000 Popping joints


    1970 Our president's struggle with Fidel

    2000 Our president's struggle with fidelity


    1970 Paar

    2000 AARP


    1970 Keg

    2000 EKG


    1970 Killer weed

    2000 Weed killer


    1970 Hoping for a BMW

    2000 Hoping for a BM


    1970 The Grateful Dead

    2000 Dr. Kevorkian


    1970 Getting out to a new, hip joint

    2000 Getting a new hip joint


    1970 Rolling Stones

    2000 Kidney stones


    1970 Being called into the principal's office

    2000 Calling the principal's office


    1970 Parents begging you to get your hair cut

    2000 Children begging you to get their heads shaved


    1970 Take acid

    2000 Take antacid


    1970 Passing the driver's test

    2000 Passing the vision test


    1970 "Whatever"

    2000 "Depends"

  39. #2359
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Microsoft vs General Motors

    Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors.

    His comparison went like this:

    If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour (160,000km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.

    In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

    GM also responded: If Microsoft built cars,

    1. Every time they re-painted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
    2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
    3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
    4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
    6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
    7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.
    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
    9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
    10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

  40. #2360
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    NOTE: The following are sentences which actually appeared in church
    bulletins.

    1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
    2. Thursday night/Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
    3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
    community.
    4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
    nursery downstairs.
    5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
    David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
    6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North end of
    the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
    giving milk will please come early.
    8. Wednesday, the ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
    sing "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
    9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
    Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his
    study.
    10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
    lay an egg on the altar.
    11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water" - One of the
    ladies will start and the rest of the congregation will join in.
    12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
    the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
    come forward and do so.
    13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
    they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
    14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow.
    15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
    Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


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