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  1. #2001
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    - Virginity like bubble, one ***** - all gone.

  2. #2002
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  3. #2003
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more
    important to do.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  4. #2004
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
    any question.
    -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  5. #2005
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  6. #2006
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
    pick your friend's nose.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  7. #2007
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD



    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't
    help but wonder: What the f**k was I thinking?"

  8. #2008
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD

    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
    After having met you, I've changed my mind."

  9. #2009
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    "Daddy?"

    "Yes son."

    "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"

    "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
    something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And
    by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell
    her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
    -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  10. #2010
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD

    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed
    in Hell until I met you."

  11. #2011
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Programmers do it until it goes down.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  12. #2012
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD

    "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your brother."

  13. #2013
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  14. #2014
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not
    here to ruin it for me."

  15. #2015
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    9 reasons a taco is better than a woman:

    (1) Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat so the lid won't
    stay up.
    (2) Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
    (3) Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
    (4) Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
    (5) Tacos will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
    or seek custody of anything.
    (6) Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, or speculate about your
    next one.
    (7) A taco will never make a scene because there are other tacos in the
    refrigerator.
    (8) It's easy to drop a taco.
    (9) Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  16. #2016
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD

    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

  17. #2017
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
    sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
    car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
    "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
    "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
    "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
    So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
    I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
    "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
    "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
    "Do it again."
    It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
    Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
    "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
    time."
    The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
    twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
    "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
    "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
    I want you to drive her into Salerno."
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  18. #2018
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  19. #2019
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
    visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
    "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
    "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it,
    doesn't anybody **** anymore?"
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  20. #2020
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  21. #2021
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD

    "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

  22. #2022
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
    -- Joan Rivers
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  23. #2023
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  24. #2024
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Man who dance in crowded ballroom dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  25. #2025
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

  26. #2026
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    FROM THE DESK OF
    Snow White

    Dear Snow White:

    Thanks for last night.

    Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  27. #2027
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Things you wish you could say at work
    1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    3. How about never? Is never good for you?
    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
    public.
    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
    10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
    11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
    14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
    view.
    17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
    24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
    25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
    26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
    27.Do I look like a people person?
    28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
    31.You!... Off my planet!
    32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
    35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
    36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
    38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
    40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
    asleep yet.
    43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
    44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
    47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
    49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

  28. #2028
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Originally posted by parksie
    I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
    This is the best one so far!!!!!!!!!

  29. #2029
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15

    Sex:
    Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
    foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

    Maturity:
    Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
    function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
    and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
    romances rarely work out.

    Handwriting:
    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
    chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
    "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
    "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
    when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  30. #2030
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    This one's definitely topical

    Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  31. #2031
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  32. #2032
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Originally posted by barrk
    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    Ehehehehe.

    I like this one
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  33. #2033
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    SOME BRAINS ARE DANGEROUS!

    Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
    the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
    not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
    supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
    forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
    1994 Miss Universe contest

    I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
    --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
    failed to pay his taxes.

    Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
    life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
    federal anti-smoking campaign

    I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
    --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

    Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
    can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
    those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

    The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
    unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

    After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
    school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
    Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
    Rhode Island

  34. #2034
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
    -- James P. Hogan
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  35. #2035
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Re: This one's definitely topical

    Originally posted by parksie
    Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
    Are these my only choices????

  36. #2036
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
    the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
    the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
    it was enough to make a blown man cry."
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  37. #2037
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    How true...

    It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
    very unfortunate place to have it.
    -- Malcolm Muggeridge
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  38. #2038
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    hehehe

  39. #2039
    Monday Morning Lunatic parksie's Avatar
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    Are these my only choices????
    What else do you want?
    I refuse to tie my hands behind my back and hear somebody say "Bend Over, Boy, Because You Have It Coming To You".
    -- Linus Torvalds

  40. #2040
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    There's nothing like a good pun....and that was nothing like it.

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