Jokes for Gary

[Jim Brown]

A white horse goes into a bar, and orders a beer. The barman- as is a barman's wont- strikes up a conversation (because in jokes like this, horses can talk of course) and says "Funny thing, we've got a brand of Scotch named after you". "What, you mean Eric?", says the horse.

Or alternatively......

Two guys have been crawling round the desert for days and at last get to a town. So they crawl in and find the market place. They go to the first stall, and ask for a long cool drink. Stall owner say, "Sorry Squires, but all I have are these lovely puddings made of spongecake and cream, with little coloured things sprinkled on top, and it's all soaked in Sherry, too". So they try the next stall, he's also only got these marvellous tasty puddings with cream and ice-cream and 100s and 1000s on top.

After about 10 stalls they give up, becasue all they can get are these loverly puddings full of spongecake and sherry. The one guy remarks how strange it was, that every stall seemed to sell only rich creamy puddings with coloured bits on top. The other guy agrees, "Yes, it was a trifle bizarre."

[Gary.Lowe]

Ba Bum Tissh!

OK

A guy walks into a pub with a stork and a cat in tow.
the guy walks up to the bar and turns to the stork and cat and says. What dou you two want.

The Stork replies 'a pint of lager', the cat replies 'Vodka and coke'

They sit down and drink up.

The guy turns to the stork and says 'right your round'. The stork goes and gets another round in.

They drink up.

the guy then turns to the cat and says 'roght your round'
The cat replies 'Ahhh I would but I forgot my wallet'

The guy replies 'Yeah Yeah' and goes to the bar.

By this point the bar man asks the guy what he is doing with a stork and cat.

The guy replies 'Well, I was walking olong the beach on day when I found this bottle in the sand. I picked it up and cleaned it with a hanky. All of a sudden a Genie appeared and granted me a wish'.

The barman asks 'Well what did you wish for'

The guy replies 'A bird with long legs and a tight *****'

[Jimmy Changas]

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.. then the bartender says "am sorry..but we dont serve lions here" then the lion says "c'mon gimme a drink" and the bartender still wont serve the lion..so then the lion says "ok.. if you dont serve me a drink.. i will go and eat that woman over there at the end of the counter" and the bartender says "fine goahead but i am not serving you a drink" so the lion goes and eats the woman and the asks the bartender again for a drink and the bartender says "now i am definitely not going to serve a lion who is on drugs" and the lion says "why do you say that?" and the bartender says "because that woman you ate was a barbiturate" ;)

[Ianpbaker]

Gary I find your avatar offensive, remove it now or I'll report you.






























Although the resemblance is striking (Too everyone else, I have met gary and I can quie confidently say his face is definatley an arse in glasses ;)

[barrk]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother
to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they
did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
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Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was
very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and
respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the
roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some
pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.
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Whats the difference between a nun in church and a ***** in a bath tub?

The nun has hope in her soul.
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A polar bear goes into a ice cream shoppe and says, " Can I have a
banana............[long pause]...............split, please?

The clerk says, "Coming right up. But why the big pause?"

The polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know. They've always been like
this."
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Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male
and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the
female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in
this together why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female
canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once
again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I
was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for
a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and
stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I
just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is
untweetable."
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What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat broccoli!
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What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large!
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What do you do if you are an insomniac that is agnostic and dyslexic?
You stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog!
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What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill?
A trip without the kids!
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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time
the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a
while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your
mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a
kite."
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "*****?"
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO" !!!
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An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand to the Italian guy, "You're
in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of
shoveling". And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".

I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I did nota hava no broom. You a said
to the Chinese a guy thata he a was a in a charge of supplies, but he has a
disappeared and I could no find a him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But counna get
meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, but I
counna fin' him".

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese guy Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES SUPPLIES!!!"
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his
ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
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[DWillems]

Neely Dunn, an Irishman, went to London but forgot to write back home. After three years his brother was fed up with it and searched and found Neely's address on the Internet.
So he took off to London and arrived at Heathrow. While he searched for the exit, he was trying to remember the address because he had not written it down. All he could remember was London WC3.
So he went on and found a sign that said "WC", went in and counted the doors.
He knocked on the third door and shouted : "Are ye Neely Dunn ?".
The man on the toilet answered "Yes, but I can't seem to find any paper here".
Then the brother replied : "Well, that's no excuse for not writing to your mother for 3 years !"
:D

(originally from wossnames ... the snooker player with the funny glasses)

[beachbum]

Originally posted by Jimmy Changas
and the bartender says "because that woman you ate was a barbiturate" ;)
Isnt it supposed to be "because that was a bar ***** u ate" ?? ie the word association is the joke??? :rolleyes: LOL sowwyyyy :p.. Reminds me of when i was in primary school and there was this joke doing the rounds... How do u circumsize a whale... u send down three skin divers... noone knew why this was funny but all laughed cos it wouldve been uncool not to... only later did the extra diver and hence the joke make sense :p :D

Originally posted by barrk
A polar bear goes into a ice cream shoppe and says, " Can I have a banana............[long pause]...............split, please?
The clerk says, "Coming right up. But why the big pause?"
The polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know. They've always been like this."
Was laughing at the difference in the american version of this joke to the aust / u.k / kiwi version... says a lot i think about the diff senses of humour. We never include the last line. :D Odd isnt it? :p

[Jimmy Changas]

Q:What is blue and white??















A:Smurf *** :rolleyes:

[Jim Brown]

Irish guy goes into bar, order 3 pints of Guiness and staggers over to his table with the heavy load. Sits down, drinks all 3, goes back up the bar. Orders another 3. Barman says "Why not buy them one at a time- much easier on your arms!". Guy says "No it's all roit sorr, it's just that me 2 brothers have emigrated and we promised to have a few pints each Friday night that's why I'm drinking in 3's"

So barman reckons that's OK, business is business.

Anyway this goes on for a few weeks, and all is cool.

BUT..... one Friday he only orders 2 pints and drinks them. When he comes back to the bar he orders another 2, so the barman, thinking the worst offers his condolences- "Sorry Paddy, but has one of your brothers passed over/ shuffled of this mortal coil etc?"

Paddy says "No don't worry Sorr, it's just that I've stopped drinking"

[Jim Brown]

BUMP so you can see barrk's good ones.

But also so I can add this one.....

A guy goes to Paris on holiday (=vacation ;-> ) and of course, goes to visit Notre Dame cathedral. He goes up into the belfry and there's the hunchback. So he says to the hunchback, "You're world famous for your bellringing- give us a demo?"

So the HB (AcroMan's back!) says sure, and takes a few steps back. He runs up to the railing surrounding the bell, and leans over smashing the bell with his head. Bell goes off in huge, really impressive peal.

The guys says "Wow! Can I have a go?", and HB says it's OK. The guy takes a run up, and bad luck for him when he gets to the railing, he flies over smashes into the bell and falls to the ground. The bell just gives a really poor 'thud'.

By the time HB gets down to the ground, there's a big crowd and the local gendarmerie are there. The cop says (switch on Inspector Clousseau accent here) "Dirs anywirn knu this man?". The HB gives the cadaver a careful once over and replies, "No, Sorry Squire, his face doesn't ring a bell"

There's a sequel to this, which I'll save for another day...

I don't care what you say, but the old one's'r the best. It's da way oi tellem.

[Jim Brown]

OK so here's the sequel...

The dead guy's twin brother goes to Paris to collect the body, and while he's there decides to go try ring the bell himself. So he goes up the tower, explains who he is to the HB, who gives him the by now famous demonstration.

Then the brother tries: Voila, success- the bell goes off into its wonderful peal, but Alas he also falls over the parapet to his death.

Once again, by the time the HB gets down there's Clousseau asking "Dirs anywirn knu this man?" So the HB looks him over and says "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"

[beachbum]

So the HB looks him over and says "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"
So how did he not know who he was after the intro and how did he know his brother and if he knew his brother how did he not know him. How much of him did he need to know to be able to say he knew him.... :eek: I just wanted to say that cos i love gnus. :p

[beachbum]

These 3 wildebeeste go into a bar run by a husband and wife. They are ok for a while but soon get rowdy after a few drinks. They start smashing things and finally the police are called. The owners are due at a party but have to make police statements. So they ring up the host and say we are terribly sorry we cant come cos we have just had some terrible gnus.