Joke Marathon

[spetnik]

I believe it is time for competition :p

[spetnik]

NOW

[spetnik]

LET'S

[spetnik]

GET

[spetnik]

SOME

[spetnik]

POSTS

[spetnik]

(SORRY, surfdemon, but the voices told me to do it;))

[parksie]

You will never win! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

'cuz we have Katie :p

[spetnik]

:'( I hope youre wrong ;)

[spetnik]

maybe we can get katie to join the opposition

[spetnik]

I doubt surfdemon had the foresite to require non-competes :D

[barrk]

You guys will never get away with this!

[barrk]

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending
a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was
wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home
and was speeding... Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in
hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You
know how fast you were
going, BOY?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind
of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot *******?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!"

[barrk]

Pluralism

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,

So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.

[parksie]

Nope, she'll never change :p

[barrk]

Twisted Sayings

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Eschew obfuscation

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

IRS - Be audit you can be

[spetnik]

PLEASE KATIE :-*

The post marathon needs u. The government is gonna break up the post race anyways.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with a cherry on top?

[barrk]

I will NEVER play for the other team!!!!!!!!!

[spetnik]

well, actually, by commenting on my poems, u are legally bound to the post marathon. U did not read the agreement, did u?

[parksie]

With no form of official identification all forms of contract are void over the internet :D

[spetnik]

yes, but my poem is based in every country waters, and only has a link on the internet. when u click the link, you actually leave the internet, and must abide by the laws of every country.

My lawyer is pretty good, eh?

[barrk]

I think that it would be wrong for me to partake of the post marathon. I've pledged my allegiance to the VB-World Saint CyberSurfer and his Post Race.

[spetnik]

:'(, katie, please, i beg of u, u are the driving force behind all the driving forces.

[parksie]

You only have to abide by the laws of the country it's stored in :)

[SurfDemon]

Originally posted by parksie
You only have to abide by the laws of the country it's stored in :)

Good job my website is based in outer-somalia.

SD

[parksie]

:D

[spetnik]

but my poem is based in every country, independantly. each one has 1/4 of a character :p

[barrk]

after much coercion I have been talked into particpating in this thread!


I must add the dispclaimer that this in no way invalidates my loyalty to the Post Race or Saint CyberSurfer....it is merely an adjunct to that. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so here goes!

[spetnik]

WAHOOOOO!!!!!!

THANK YOU KATIE!!!!!!!!! :-*

[barrk]

Introducing the new device, trade named
"BOOK".

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and
portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the
fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a
CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper
Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet,
doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided
on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now,
BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned
optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of
the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time
and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting,
though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped
overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any
sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected
information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed.

BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be
used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK
markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the
BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly looking at long-term profit potential. Look for
a flood of new titles soon.

[barrk]

SOME BRAINS ARE DANGEROUS!

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss Universe contest

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island

[barrk]

True Story!
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, “Call 911!”
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

[barrk]

No wonder English is so difficult to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert to get dessert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

[barrk]

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors.

His comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour (160,000km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.

In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

GM also responded: If Microsoft built cars,

1. Every time they re-painted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[barrk]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce on noun

[barrk]

THINGS PEOPLE WISH THEY HADN'T SAID

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
* Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
* Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
* The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
* Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
* Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
* Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
* David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
* A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
* H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
* Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
* Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
* Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
* Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
* Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went toHewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
* Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
* 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
* Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
* Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
* Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
* Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
* Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
* Bill Gates, 1981

[barrk]

LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: That there hippie talk fer the rat hole

[barrk]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

[barrk]

Did I scare all of you off already!

I told you you didn't stand a chance!

[barrk]

What a bunch of panty waists! Geesh!

[spetnik]

WOw, katie, u post em faster than i can read!

[barrk]

That's the point.........speed and endurance = me!

[barrk]

Beethoven's Ninth
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The symphony is playing Beethoven's Ninth. During a long
break, the bass players decide to slip out to the local pub
and have a few drinks.

Suddenly one realizes they have been gone for a while and
says "We've got to get back."

Another says, "Relax, we've got plenty of time. I tied a
string in the conductor's score and he'll have a time getting
it squared away."

As they come back into the concert hall, a patron in the
audience notices the confusion by the conductor and says,
"Something seems wrong up there."

Her date says, "What do you expect? It's the bottom of the
Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."

[spetnik]

Q. What do lawyers and sharks have in common?
A. The EPA gets all touchy about killing sharks.

[barrk]

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

[barrk]

There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She
was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up
the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving,
but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the
army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door
when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that
anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.

"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make
mistakes."

[barrk]

Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"

[barrk]

Things you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31.You!... Off my planet!
32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

[spetnik]

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

[spetnik]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where
do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

[SurfDemon]

Heee eheeehe eheheee,

Sorry gods still tickling me.

SD

[barrk]

Better check again.....that's me!

[spetnik]

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one
started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He
said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a
90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch
it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot
an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up
to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being
faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even
though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

[spetnik]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

[spetnik]

Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a banner.

Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"

Saddam responded, "It sad Allah is God, and God is Allah."

Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last
night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Saddam said: "What was on the banner?"

Clinton replied: "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

[spetnik]

When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.

He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

[barrk]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at
night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired
a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
(2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one
person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will
we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one
GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then
Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they
created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a
payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall
cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[spetnik]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the
aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said
there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[spetnik]

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed?"

[spetnik]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.

[spetnik]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[barrk]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

[spetnik]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman
flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is
drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give
you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes,
he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam
back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the
third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my
mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,
"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[barrk]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[spetnik]

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to
forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that
this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget
to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to
go see their doctor to get some help.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful
to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple
liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very
pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write
that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You
better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now
you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No
problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and
eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband
and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

[barrk]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother
to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they
did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

[barrk]

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was
very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and
respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the
roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

[barrk]

A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some
pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.

[spetnik]

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

[barrk]

Whats the difference between a nun in church and a ***** in a bath tub?

The nun has hope in her soul.

[barrk]

A polar bear goes into a ice cream shoppe and says, " Can I have a
banana............[long pause]...............split, please?

The clerk says, "Coming right up. But why the big pause?"

The polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know. They've always been like
this."

[spetnik]

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,
hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately
falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He
knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave
of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any
longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

[barrk]

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male
and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the
female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in
this together why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female
canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once
again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I
was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for
a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and
stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I
just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is
untweetable."

[spetnik]

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

[spetnik]

Q. What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

A. Stays awake night wondering if there is a dog.

[spetnik]

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

[barrk]

And with that bit of nonsense I off to lunch!:D

[spetnik]

The previous post is obviously in jest. I do not need any harassmen about endangered spevies :rolleyes:

[spetnik]

A man was out golfing one day when he hit his ball into the woods.
He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes." He did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!"

The man said, "That’s okay." For his first wish, he wanted to be
the most handsome man in the world.

The frog warned him, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your wife the most beautiful woman in the world, and men will flock
to her."

The man replied, " That’s okay, because I will be the most handsome
man, and she will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - he became the
most handsome man in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your wife the richest woman in the
world, and she will be ten times richer than you."

The man said, " That’s okay because what's mine is hers and what's
hers is mine." So, KAZAM he became the richest man in the world!

The frog asked him what he would like for his third wish. He said,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Men are clever. Don't mess with them.

[spetnik]

What is a cat?

- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.



What is a dog?

- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

[spetnik]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

[spetnik]

When I was teaching at a local university, the eight o'clock class always
managed to get there on time.

However, we had one student, a cheerleader type, who never seemed to make my
nine o'clock class any less than ten minutes late on the three days we had
class.

One day I told a joke about a local business owner who had received one of
those forms from the government which had stated: Please list your number of
employees broken down by sex. He wrote back that he didn't believe that he
had any broken down by sex, but some of them did come in late occasionally.

The class was chuckling pretty good when the cheerleader walked in. I raised
my eyebrows and said, "I rest my case."

It took a few minutes before we could actually get anything done after that.
Someone must have told the cheerleader about the joke because she was never
late for class again.

[spetnik]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[spetnik]

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old
buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to
the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by
saying,"You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the
freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words
and all that. .."

"You want dirty words Cutie Pie?..HERE, DRINK YOUR F*****G BEER IN YOUR
FROZEN F*****G MUG AND EAT YOUR F*****G SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE! GOT IT A*****E?!!"

[spetnik]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.

Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager
who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,
"I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free
meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread,
free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"

[spetnik]

Johnny’s mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny
greeted her and said, "You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to
visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy
brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs
to the bedroom, and then they... "

"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your
story," his mother said.

When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown
came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy
brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to
the bedroom, and then they... "

"Then they WHAT, Johnny?" his mother asked, hurt and angry.

"And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do
when Dad’s out of town."

[spetnik]

One day two guys were bungee jumping and the first guy says,
"Hey, we could make a lot of money down in Mexico doing this."

The second guy says, "Sure, why not?" So they got everything they
needed: a tower, a rope, insurance, and so on. After that they went
down there. The crowd starts to grow as they set up their stuff.
After they're done, the crowd has gotten bigger.

The first guy decides to give it a try. After he jumps, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and bruises. He couldn't catch
him, so the first guy goes down again. The second time he comes up
the other guy sees that he has a few broken limbs and is almost unconscious.

This time he is able to pull him up and asks him, "What the heck
happened to you?"

The first guy says, "I'm fine, but what the heck is a Piñata?"

[spetnik]

A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child
decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A
little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought
her a box full of fine chocolates.

A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet
of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer
brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking
from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!"

She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said,
"I bet this is some wine!"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She said, "Well what is it?"

The little boy said, "A puppy!"

[spetnik]

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so naturally she did a
lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous,
so she always took her Bible along with her to read
since it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw
her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle,
smirked, and went back to what he was doing. After
a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really
believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by
the whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in
the Bible.

"He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that
time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when
I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

[spetnik]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[spetnik]

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

[spetnik]

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son
out of bed in the morning.

"I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He
sleeps with his dog."

[barrk]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*zzzzzzzzzz

[Pix]

You tricked me! I can't see any sun :(

[spetnik]

quick! barrk! wake up! It's gonna get u!

[spetnik]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people
to
collect all the money!"

[barrk]

It can't get me. I'm invisible!

[spetnik]

Maybe I shoulda called this the Joke Marathon?

[barrk]

Nah, then they'd have to be funny.......face it some of this sutff just isn't!;)

[spetnik]

Not all runners in a marathon are fast :D

[barrk]

Good point!:)

[SurfDemon]

Originally posted by barrk
Better check again.....that's me!

You can tickle my fancy any time you want!

SD

[barrk]

I've heard it called a lot of things but fancy is a new one to me!:eek:

[barrk]

On a not entirely unrelated note.........

At lunch a friend was telling me about a show on the history channel last night regarding Sex and the Bible

He said that in the Old Testament there were rules concerning Pleasuring your wife.

It was based on your occupation.

Fishermen were required to pleasure their wives every six months
Scholars once a week
Unemployed husbands once a day!

Since Tom's a teacher but since it's summer he's unemployed does that mean I should demand eight times per week?

I think so...........what do you think?

[barrk]

I also found it very interesting that in the Old Testament pleasuring you wife was important but in the New Testament having sex for anything other than pro-creation is frowned upon.

[barrk]

Yes, that is very interesting indeed, Mrs. Barr.

[barrk]

Thank you Katie, I thought it was quite interesting indeed.

[barrk]

By the way....I do think you are entitled to eight times a week until the summer ends....he is technically unemployed after all!

[barrk]

I quite agree with you. I shall go home and explain this to Tom as soon as possible.

[barrk]

That should make for a very fun weekend indeed....since you are probably a little behind on this week's quota by now!

[barrk]

Indeed!

[spetnik]

well, 1st of all, my day only has 7 days, where did u get the 8th?
and secondly, I am sure some of the more h**ny members here are gonna offer to help :rolleyes: GUYS GROW UP! SHE'S MARRIED!!!

uh oh, katie, theyre throwin stuff at me! HELP!!!

[SurfDemon]

I've never known a man to worry about having to fufill that sort of quota. In fact most of us worry about the upper limit of "pleasuring the wife"!

I think the moral of the story is that you should have married an unemployed fisherman who reads a lot of books?

SD

[barrk]

Once a week for being a teacher and every day for being unemployed equals eight times per week! With a bonus thrown in every six months to cover the fisherman part....he does go fishing occaisonally so I think it's only fair!

[barrk]

In some seriousness now.

Don't you think it's interesting that both the old and new testaments are said to be the word of God but he up and changes his views on sex without any explanation.....yet if you look at the times they were written the old was written before the Roman excesses (orgies, etc) and sex as pleasure was condoned but the one written during the time of sexual freedom, sex as pleasure isn't????

Did God change his mind or did the society of people who worshipped him and wrote it change their minds???

[chrisjk]

Did God change his mind or did the society of people who worshipped him and wrote it change their minds???Dunno, it's all just a load of dog's diner to me. Ask me anything about the bible/christianity and I will not be able to even hazard a guess (apart from maybe, what was Jesus's name, but that's about it ;) )

[barrk]

Originally posted by barrk
Once a week for being a teacher and every day for being unemployed equals eight times per week! With a bonus thrown in every six months to cover the fisherman part....he does go fishing occaisonally so I think it's only fair!



This is what I meant, Chris.;)

[chenko]

I think Katie is getting all her early posts in just incase this beats post race.....HA, you will never win for we.... we..... we.... errrrmmm MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1

[spetnik]

Well, We're back. UGHHHH, Monday! :rolleyes:

[spetnik]

well, back to jokes, i guess...

[spetnik]

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that
it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she said, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

Ralph ased, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."

[spetnik]

One day, an American was touring Spain. After a day
of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned
the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation!
Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be
sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After
a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

[spetnik]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire
life."
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

[spetnik]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have
to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All
her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[spetnik]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[spetnik]

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious
law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna *** laude from law school. Both came
from good families. Both were equally attractive and well
spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he
took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong
asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest
respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the
Constitution, and that all I wanted was to do right by my
clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert
replied.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money
in either of them!"

[spetnik]

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not a person to do such thing,
please not to read notice.



In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will
be unbearable.



In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.



In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving
is then going alphabetically by national order.



In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.



In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.



In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.



In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.



In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday.



In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose
in the boots of ascension.



On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.



On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.



Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.



In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.



Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.



In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer’s suit. Because of big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.



From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.



A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

[spetnik]

Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

[spetnik]

Q: When they fly the flag at half-mast over the Post Office, what
does it mean?
A: "We're hiring!"

[spetnik]

Dear Abby -
I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing.
You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft's Customer Service Division.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake-Aztec-souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby:
Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft Customer Service?

[spetnik]

http://www.recsports.ohio-state.edu/special/pizza/powerade.jpg
Tell em, I sent u, theyll give u for free.
(No coffee! it will dehydrate u!)

[spetnik]

*Spetnik looks back to c katie in the dust. sighs w/ relief, and slows down (puff puff) phew*

"she'll never catch up"

[spetnik]

And a good morning to all.
(u ever get the feeling ur the only one running in a race? hmm)

[spetnik]

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[spetnik]

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."

23. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

24. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

25. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

26. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

27. Q: Where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

28. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

29. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

30. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

[spetnik]

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

[spetnik]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath
and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you
care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies,
"Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I hold the
pigeon down and you crap on its head!"

[spetnik]

Three couples went to see a minister to find out
how to become members of his church. The minister said
that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was
middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to
the minister. The retired couple said it was
no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said
it was tough for the first week, but after that,
it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine
until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can
and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they
were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome
in Home Depot either."

[spetnik]

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over
You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up
With A Few

[spetnik]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources
person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind
of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on
the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

[spetnik]

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.


9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.


8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.


7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."


6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."


5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."


4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.


3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."


2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.


1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

[spetnik]

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital,
is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to
re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients,
"I see by your chart that you've been recommended for
dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once
you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well,
I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's
still a good field, good money there. But on the other
hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience
here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here.
People might be interested in reading a book like that.
In addition, I thought I might go back to college and
study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is,
in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

[spetnik]

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors
who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly
doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess,
the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

[spetnik]

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon
in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains
of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and
they had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were
getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were alright.
He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice
from inside answered. The old man asked if they
were okay.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love,"
came the reply.

The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind
not throwing the peelings out the window? They're
choking my ducks!"

[spetnik]

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all
lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los
Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot
on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the
steering wheel, driving in the left lane at 35 on the Interstate with
the left blinker on: Florida.

[spetnik]

One evening, a young woman came home from a date,
rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed
to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom,
he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the
two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[spetnik]

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three
Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the
old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the
old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the
old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left
the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

[spetnik]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and
thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked
at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[spetnik]

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist
at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady
came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly,"
she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to
an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist
looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving
around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting
ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you
know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing
on the dresser!"

[spetnik]

A widow, recently married to a widower,
was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked,
"I suppose, like all men who have been married
before, your husband sometimes talks about his
first wife?"

"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.

"What stopped him?" asked the first.

"I started talking about my next husband," replied
the second woman.

[spetnik]

AL GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.


GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.


SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.


DICK CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.


RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken, or have a relationship with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please? What was the "Chick" in question about?


DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.


GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.


SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


X-FILES AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?


FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity, and secret desire to choke the chicken.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of a Chicken.


EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[spetnik]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying cop told you I was speeding, too

[spetnik]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to
pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with
their ten-year-old son in the apartment was
to send him out on the balcony and tell him
to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car
being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers
are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
his son replied.

[spetnik]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic,
"It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

[spetnik]

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were
getting married and planned on living with
Marie's mother until they could establish a
place of their own. On their wedding night,
they went upstairs and were getting ready for
bed.

Mario started to get undressed, taking off his
shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest.
Marie ran downstairs and told her mother. "Momma!!
Momma!! He’s got hair all over his chest!"

Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and
make your momma proud." So Marie ran upstairs and
found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely
hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps
to tell her mother.

"Momma, he’s got hair all over his legs."

"Marie, you go upstairs and make your Momma proud."
Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting
on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had
lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look,
ran downstairs, and said, "Momma, Momma, he’s only got
a foot and a half!"

At this, Momma yelled, "Marie, you wait here.
This is a job for Momma!!!"

[spetnik]

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural
History were marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."

[spetnik]

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it.
(But that part will never work again.)

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete
two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electonic microorganism."

RIGHT TO IFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible aternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and
then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting

THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are overpaying
for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminated and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes
without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just
can't figyour out watt.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it maskes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of the computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Print "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"
from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure its bigger than any other file, except for that really big one at the top of the drive, but it clames that that is not a real file anyway.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantlt altering
its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drivesimultaneously,
but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchses through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
send you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test...no new
files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
the reviews, but you still love it.

[spetnik]

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street, then a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved - that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Little Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss"

[spetnik]

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly
afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to
know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy
and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the
back.

I'll take care of all the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to
Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it
to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell
to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she
thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the
card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."

[spetnik]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-
department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go
fishing."

[spetnik]

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled
the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It
only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the
second time for four days.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your
sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
cremated and he burned for three days. There isn't much more news at
this time. Nothing much has happened.


Love, Mom


P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

[spetnik]

A woman was being questioned in a court trial
involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous
statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any
respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to
the judge."’

[spetnik]

Q: What is six inches long, has a bald head, and
drives women crazy?



A: A hundred dollar bill.

[spetnik]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but
everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to
be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that
had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later
the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think
about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she craps all over you!"

[spetnik]

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in
his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the
reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific
Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team
do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Maniac
Loser Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[spetnik]

The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl
sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking
for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together
and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember
which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."

[Pix]

Poor spetnik, you seem a bit lonely here!

[spetnik]

o, yes, i am. but i am not a quitter :). one day we will all look back at the 1st pages of the Post Marathon and laugh. (i hope)

[spetnik]

Woman Puts Cool Whip Containers To Every Conceivable Use
TERRE HAUTE, IN-- According to neighbors, Terre Haute homemaker Barb Lake puts empty Cool Whip non-dairy whipped-topping tubs to a staggering array of uses. "She stores leftovers in them, pots plants in them, keeps sewing supplies in them," next-door neighbor Paula Brearly said Monday. "Last year, she made Halloween masks with them. Oh, and she turned them into musical instruments for her daughter's Brownie troop." Brearly added that she has "no clue" how Lake manages to go through so much Cool Whip in the first place.

[spetnik]

WASHINGTON, DC--According to a report released Monday by the Surgeon General's office, 67 percent of U.S. citizens have gigantic fat asses, with that number projected to climb significantly in the next decade.


Above: One of the 185 million fat asses that dot the American landscape.
The report is the latest in a string of dire findings from Surgeon General David Satcher concerning the high percentage of Americans who suffer from fatness of ass.

"The state of the American derriere has reached crisis proportions," Satcher said. "Without immediate steps to rectify this problem, we can only foresee even more hideously huge backsides as we continue to blimp out into the 21st century."


The strongly worded report, in which Americans are alternately described as "porkers," "wide loads," and "friggin' whales," attributes the fat asses primarily to poor eating habits, with diets heavy on sugar, starches, and saturated fats. It also cites Americans' lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyles as factors in the trend toward "huge bucket-butts."

In addition, the report found that roughly 185 million Americans are "flab-ass flabbos who couldn't say no to a candy bar if their fat, stupid lives depended on it." It went on to warn that those with "gargantuan, sun-blocking rear ends" stand at greater risk of conditions ranging from heart disease to hideousness.

The Surgeon General said the solution to the national health crisis lies in obese citizens "somehow dredging up the shred of dignity needed to drag their rotund, repellent posteriors to a gym, for Christ's sake." He also encouraged those with American Fat-Ass Syndrome, or AFAS, to "lay off the sour-cream-and-chive Ruffles."

The report has provoked outrage among the public at large.

"Okay, so we could all stand to lose a few pounds, but I don't see the need for such insulting language," said Nancy Goode, 48, a morbidly obese St. Cloud, MN, housewife with diabetes, knee problems, and an ass so ludicrously huge it looks like some sort of mutant, land-bound dugong. "Besides, lots of people in this country are very slim and attractive. I see them on TV every day."

Experts say Goode's response is symptomatic of the severe denial inherent in most Americans' self-images.

"Because of what they see on television and in advertising, many Americans are convinced that the nation is largely populated with hot, hard-bodied models who consume nothing but Pepsi and Chee-tos," said Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson. "This notion, however, couldn't be further from the truth. All you need to do is look around to see that we are, in the main, grotesque, repulsive fat ****s who have long ago given up maintaining a mote of basic pride."

Though the alarmist tone of the report may come as a shock to Americans accustomed to the enormous asses of themselves and their neighbors, the rest of the world has long been aware of Americans' ovoid lower halves. This is apparent in the translations of various languages' popular slang terms for Americans, such as "two-sacks-of-suet-in-skirts," from Swedish; "bloated round-eye balloon-buttocks," from Mandarin Chinese; and "hideous, hellbound hippo-humans," from Swahili.

"The time has come for Americans to face the truth about our collective fat ass," Satcher said. "For too long, we have sat on our massive rump, mindlessly consuming 90 percent of the world's resources and growing steadily bigger by the decade. It's time to get off that fat ass and face the harsh reality of our enormous, distended, disgusting hind ends."

[spetnik]

HEBRON, WEST BANK--In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.


Above: Faisal al Hamad, seen here shrieking anti-U.S. slogans, says that "not every crazed Palestinian gunman is exactly alike."
"As a crazed Palestinian gunman, I feel hurt by the negative portrayal of my people in the media," said al Hamad, 31, a Hebron-area terrorist maniac. "None of us should have to live with stereotyping and ignorance."

He then began screaming and firing into a busload of Israeli schoolchildren.

"It hurts that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, people still make assumptions about other people," al Hamad said. "We should not rely on simple generalizations. Each crazed Palestinian gunman is an individual."

Al Hamad said that he himself has often been unfairly stereotyped. "Any time I enter a crowded temple with fully loaded AK-47s in both hands, people just assume I'm going to open fire," he said. "That really hurts."

"Yes, I sometimes do gun people down in the name of the One True God," he noted. "But there is so much more to me."

Several weeks ago, al Hamad was again the victim of stereotyping during a vacation he took with his family to Washington, D.C.

"When we arrived at the airport in Washington, security guards detained us for more than 12 hours, just because I had 140 pounds of plastic explosives strapped to my chest," al Hamad said. "Do you think they would have called the FBI if I weren't a crazed Palestinian who's on their Ten Most Wanted List? I don't think so."

Al Hamad said his vacation was ruined when federal agents seized a crate of chemical weapons he had brought into the U.S. as a gift for a friend in New York.

"I explained to them that the weapons were a birthday present for the blind cleric Sayid al Farouq, a good friend of mine from high school," he said. "But they did not believe me and took me into federal custody for nine weeks. Again, it's a case of people jumping to conclusions on the basis of skin color. And that can be very frustrating."


Above: When this truck blew up in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur last year, Israeli officials suspected PLO involvement. "That really hurt that they would just think that right off the bat," al Hamad said.
According to al Hamad, stereotypes against crazed Palestinian gunmen don't work because they don't take into account the vast variety of proud histories and diverse cultures among them.

"There are so many different kinds of crazed Palestinian gunmen. Each of us has our own unique reasons and motivations for our bus bombings and suicide missions," he said. "No two fundamentalist agendas are alike."

Al Hamad also stressed the importance of understanding and celebrating the cultural differences between crazed Palestinian gunmen and non-crazed, non-Palestinian non-gunmen.

"All the different peoples of the world have something special to offer each other," he said. "Our diversity is our greatest strength. Let's not make a weakness out of that strength."

To emphasize his point, al Hamad fired into a crowd, killing nine.

"I'm proud to be a crazed Palestinian gunman, obviously," he said in between shouts of anti-imperialist slogans. "But I'm an individual first. I'm me. Die, Yankee infidel pig swine!"

[spetnik]

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear
a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear
your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to
get screwed."

[barrk]

Come on guys....spetnik needs a little support here....anyone got any "good" jokes to post??


Here's the dirtiest joke I know



A white horse fell into the mud!

[spetnik]

KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! watch it, or John may close the thread!!!!!

[barrk]

:D

[spetnik]

A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke
early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep.
Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast even begun yet,
he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking
the cow himself.

Later on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his
wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work. "What
cha doin' out in my barn, fella?" the farmer demanded.

The visitor replied, "Well, I woke up at 8 o'clock and you were still
asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I would go out and
milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after
a few minutes she finally filled the glass all at one time."

He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, "Say, what kind
of cow is that, anyway?"

"We don't have a cow, son." the farmer replied. "We have a bull."

[spetnik]

Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork,
Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner.
Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.

When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked,
"Papa, where were you all night, last night?"

Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."

Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner.
Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza.
Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.
When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her,
"Mama, where were you all last night?"

"I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.

Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were
very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't
home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't
arrive home until early morning.

Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?"

"Out scaring the s**t out of college students," Baby Stork giggled.

[spetnik]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender
gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great
tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave
is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You
BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly
as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender
for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary,
but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[Wynd]

You guys are falling behind....

[Wynd]

Getting lazy...

[Wynd]

Slacking off...

[spetnik]

NO! WE WILL NEVER FALL BEHIND! WE WILL REMAIN STRONG!!!
(we?)

[spetnik]

An English professor announced to the class: "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the
words?"

[Jotaf98]

Hey Spetnik! I haven't read the whole thread yet, but here's my little contribution:

1. PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
2. APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
3. SCSI - System Can't See It
4. DOS - Defective Operating System
5. BASIC - Bill's Attempt To Seize Industry Control
6. IBM - I Blame Microsoft
7. DEC - Do Expect Cuts
8. CD-ROM - Consumer Device--Rendered Obsolete In Months
9. OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
10. WWW -World Wide Wait
11. MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
12. PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
13. COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
14. AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
15. LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
16. MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
17. WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
18. GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
19. MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Feels Tested

[Jotaf98]

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed.
This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bush presses the first button.
Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button.
Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Jotaf98]

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[Jotaf98]

Btw, "Breath" is not the only cool music of the Prodigy, "Narayan" rules too with those tribal warcries ;)

[Jotaf98]

Rangi:
"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The Boss:
"You know Rangi I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a bl*wj*b. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Rangi calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Skitchen8]

a guy could think of nothing to get his wife for christmas, so he stopped at the pet store. The owner suggested a bird named chet that just came in that sang chrismas carols when you put fire under one of its feet. So the guy tried it out and indeed he sung a different carol for each foot. The guy brought it home to his wife, and the wife was curious so she stuck lighters under both feet, the bird (named chet) started singing "chet's nuts roasting over an open fire"

[Jotaf98]

This one was translated from Portuguese so it might not look as cool as it is in its native language:

3 men were about to enter Heaven. An angel asked the first one how did he die.

"Well, I got home and I heard weird noises. I thought my wife was with another man. So I ran to the bedroom and saw a man dressing up while running on the street. I picket up my fridge and throwed it to him. Then I realized what I had done and killed myself."

"Ok you can go in" said the angel. "And you?"

"I'm a guard at night and I was late, and the next moment I had this fridge on top of me and died..."

"Ok... and you?" said the angel.

"Me? I was inside the fridge."

:D

[spetnik]

WAHOO!!! IT's ALIVE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JungleMan]

The blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

[JungleMan]

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

[JungleMan]

A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "I can't cut your hair if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said, "I have to wear them!" And then stormed out. This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headphones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors were in the other room. When he came back in, the blonde was dead. He picked up the headphones to hear what was playing. He heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out....."

[Jotaf98]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,
"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Jotaf98]

(Here's another one translated from portuguese :D )

A black man was lost in a desert. When he was about to die, he found a lamp with a genie in it.

"Make 3 wishes and they shall be granted to you." said the genie.

"All right! I want plenty of water, I wanna be white and I want lots of pussies!"

Then the genie turned the black man into a toilet :p

[Wynd]

"You got nice house."

:p

[Jotaf98]

Hehe :p

Hum... I noticed that you all got these jokes from FunnyMail.com :D
Don't you KNOW some, do you really have to take them from a web site? :rolleyes: :p

[spetnik]

Actually, I had all these in my "Good Jokes" folder for over a year and a half. Maybe they stole em from me :p

[Jotaf98]

Hehe... anyway, here's a new one:



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,


I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

[spetnik]

yeah, that was one of the first jokes in my folder (but the folder got deleted soon thereafter)

[Jotaf98]

Yeah right ;)

[spetnik]

yeah, i had it hangin in my room when i used to live with my parents :D

[Jotaf98]

Hanging? You mean in a CD? :D

(You're talking about the jokes folder, right :) )

[spetnik]

no, the Dear Dad joke

[Jotaf98]

Hey, look at this one: :D

How Hot Is It In Hell?

(a true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic
(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your
answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[spetnik]

With the Post Race locked, I once again bring this to the top. Welcome, post race mourners, join us here and be comforted.


:D:p

[Skitchen8]

no.. the official official post race while post race is closed is rouge post race... look for it in chit-chat cuz im too lazy to post link

[spetnik]

Sorry, cant find it :D

[denniswrenn]

who cares, I want the old post race back :(

[Skitchen8]

hold on i will post link

[Skitchen8]

http://www.vbforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=91261

[spetnik]

Yes, we do, but in the meantime, I welcome you to my humble abode. Sit, back, relax, kick off your shoes... Be comfortable. :)

[spetnik]

Sorry, still dont see it :D

[Skitchen8]

i posted the link... have you been squirting citrus in your eye again??

[spetnik]

No, eye have selective viewing :p

[Skitchen8]

that was so dumb i almost laughed :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[spetnik]

Originally posted by Skitchen8
I was so dumb i almost laughed :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

was??? And then what happened??

:p

[SurfDemon]

I'll just nip over and post something offensive in the rouge post race, and then it will be closed and this will be the only alternative.... Spetnik, you shall have a post-race monopoly!

SD

[spetnik]

Yeah, but then Microsoft will try to run me down :D

[filburt1]

Are

[filburt1]

we

[filburt1]

still

[filburt1]

doing

[filburt1]

this

[filburt1]

marathon

[filburt1]

thing

[filburt1]

?

[spetnik]

Absolutely. It wasn't dead, it was just sleeping.

[filburt1]

Good

[filburt1]

to

[filburt1]

know.

[filburt1]

:D

[Skitchen8]

Originally posted by SurfDemon
I'll just nip over and post something offensive in the rouge post race, and then it will be closed and this will be the only alternative.... Spetnik, you shall have a post-race monopoly!

SD Never... you must not kill my Post Race... you biatch how could you!!

[Jotaf98]

HEY!!!

You didn't get the point of the Post Marathon: you can chat about anything you want and post jokes or anything you find funny :p

Anyway, back to business ;)


Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby
stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to
calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's
only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again. The
mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible,
but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their
son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before
dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all
night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of
college students!"


-----


There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse
takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says,
"I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk
throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest
and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an
extra jolt to start off each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey
-- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest
mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside
my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I
catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl
it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and
take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning
routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the
conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had
enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

[barrk]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?. My three-year-old son had a lot of problems With potty training; and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Travis had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Travis, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooo. I asked one more time, "Travis, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[spetnik]

ROTFLMAO

[Jotaf98]

Spetnik: What does that mean? :confused:


Here's another one... hehe one of the best in my opinion ;)

AT&T (Revenge On Telemarketers)



One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of
you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by

a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call
was from

AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking
that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to
my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still
waiting.


Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24
hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a
minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see
that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you
send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7
days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008
per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how
you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd
give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your
alien brainwashing techniques on me!

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin
to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few
minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could
do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce
a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me
so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem,
I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed
to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but
polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

Copyright 1998 by Robert Byron Reprinted with permission from the
author.

[spetnik]

yeah, thats an old one.

Here, goto http://www.netlingo.com to see what ROTFLMAO and many other acronyms mean.

[nishantp]

Well i havnt seen it :D I HAVE to try something like that sometime.

[spetnik]

b careful it can hurt. :eek:

[Jotaf98]

Hehe :)

Am I the only one posting jokes here?

A fellow buys a parrot, but the parrot's vocabulary is rude at
best. The Fellow tries to reform his parrot by offering tidbits,
shouts, and more, but nothing works.

Frustrated, he throws parrot into the freezer, and can still hear
insults for a few minutes. But then there is a sudden silence.
Worried that he's broken the bird, he whips open the freezer.

The parrot comes out with wholly-changed demeanor. It says:, "On
reflection, my language has been improper. I intend to change. I
beg your pardon."

There's a pause, then the parrot adds, "May I ask what, exactly,
the turkey did?"

[Jotaf98]

Hey, why aren't you people posting anymore jokes? :(


The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am
rechecking my answers."




A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The
balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."




A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is
a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and
falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and
buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile
of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.

Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the
big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did
that."

The big guy punched him in the mouth.

[Jotaf98]

Hehe here's another one, it's quite funny :D

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts
screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like
you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

[spetnik]

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really
knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her
a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."

The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you
tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his
buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything
you want to know."

Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.

"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145
pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

[Jotaf98]

Hehe cool :)

It could be worse: she could have (accidentaly) made a minus sign next to the F :D



Btw, I can't post in the next 8 days cuz of a major boyscout activity. Don't let the thread die meanwhile! ;)

[Jotaf98]

HEY!!! I leave this thread for 8 days and you do nothing to keep it alive? :(

Spetnik, you should be ashamed of yourself! :mad:

Anyway...


The following are actual statements seen on various church
bulletins:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.

Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30
p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a
full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?" Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD.
Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.

[Jotaf98]

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks
into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy
armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and
asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on
the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a
drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After
she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit
and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and
says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to
buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Jotaf98]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The
bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying
so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as
a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked
them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his
balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could
all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000
is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What
the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am
today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[Jotaf98]

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he
owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he
received another and threw that one away too. The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating
they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00
by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the
problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd
take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that
he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there
were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous
predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card
had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer
error once again and said that they would take care of it. The
next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous
day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play
the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement.
It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at
all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the
bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY
checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for
$0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit
card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now
owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return
of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.