#> Anti-Micro$oft J0kes!!!!

[cyberwarpy]

Any one wanting to contibute...? :D Please feel free :)

This Thread is not responsible for any damage or harm. For example, if your dog bites you as a result of using this thread, we are NOT responsible. "Microsoft", "Windows", "Internet"; the letters 'M', 'S'; the words "active", "browser", "feature"; and the names "Bill", "Gates", and "Bob" are all trademarks of Microsoft Corporation. No Microsoft products were used in the creation of this Thread ;)

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~global_infobyte/winazi.jpg

[cyberwarpy]

Window$ Error$

004 user error, It's your fault
005 this error is reserved for future errors
006 erronerous error, this error is an error
007 no mouse driver installed, right click to continue
008 this error will show up every three seconds untill you buy an upgrade
009 Illegal error you will be prosecuted
010 random error we will now delete a file at random
011 if you do not buy an upgrade in 14 days files will be deleted
012 big error, well don't just sit there
013 there has been a problem
014 virus encountered not sure about what to do

BillBoy Gate$ at Heaven's Gate

Shortly after Bill GateS was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with MicroSoft, but you've also given us Windoze 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?"

Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," GateS explained, "I want to see heaven."

Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps. "Hmm," GateS pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell."

Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to check on the billionaire. He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gate$ cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?"

"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."
:D :D :D

[cyberwarpy]

Is Windozze a Virus?

McAfee-Question : Is Windozze a virus?

No, Windozzes is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windozze does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windozze does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windozze does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windozze does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windozze, too.

Until now it seems Windozze is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windozze is not a virus...

It's a bug.

[cyberwarpy]

Q: How do you make Windozze run faster?
A: Throw it harder!

Q: What's the difference between Windozze 95 and a highly destructive virus?
A: About 90 MB of hard disk space.

Q: Why did BillyBoy Gate$ cross the road?
A: To avoid the Department of Justice.

Q: What do BillBoy Gate$ and Bill Clint0n have in common?
A: Their ratings climb whenever they do something unethical.

[chrisjk]

Originally posted by cyberwarpy
Q: Why did BillyBoy Gate$ cross the road?
A: To avoid the Department of Justice. :D And his mob of loyal "fans".

[cyberwarpy]

What does "XP" stand-for in "Windoze XP"?










Wait for it.....














Xtremely Pathetic! ;)

[chrisjk]

I thought it was eX Paperclip...http://www.officeclippy.com/downloads.html

[cyberwarpy]

Well.. I've just sortned out half my breakfast by having a look at this site:

http://www.billgatesisdead.com/

:D :D :D :D :D :D ;) ;) :o

[cyberwarpy]

LOL :D

Q: Why should I upgrade to Window$ 95?

A: Because of the size of Micro$oft, and its influence on the Americana economy, it's crucial that all PC users buy Window$ 95. If this doesn't happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the market will crash, and we'll be plunged into another world war. Besides, BillBoy Gate$ says you should.

Q: What about long filenames?

A: Ha ha. Can't believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.

Q: Does Windoze 1295 offer true Multi-Tasking?

A: Yes. It's called Interactive Multi-Tasking, meaning you can go work on other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.

Q: What does "32-bit" mean?

A: Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in "Shave and a haircut, two bits"). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Micro$oft to make something for which they'll charge you $89.

Q: Can Windoze 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Micro$oft claims?

A: It's true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs under this configuration. In fact, it's best if you don't turn the machine on at all! :D

Q: Why did the Justice Department allow Window$ 95 to ship with access to Micro$oft Network?

A: The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares of Micro$oft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in Micro$oft's eternal success.

Q: Why would I want to sign up for Micro$oft Network?

A: You won't have a choice. Windoze 95 manipulates your monitor's refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that you sign up for M$N. In this hypnotic state, you'll do anything they say. Anything they say. Anything they say...

Q: How do I get support?

A: In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Micro$oft has contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911 :)

Q: But doesn't Windoze 95 come with some cool features, like a trash can on the desktop?

A: Wow!!! How... innovative of them.


Q: Didn't Windoze 95 have another name?

A: Yes it did... Macintosh 89.

[cyberwarpy]

If Micro$oft Built Cars

A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. If you didn't upgrade it you wouldn't be able to drive on the newer roads.
Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
People would get excited about the "new" features in Micro$oft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.
We'd all have to switch to Micro$oft Gas (tm).
Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
There would be a lot of built-in problem indicators that all say the same thing: "Something is not working right."

[Jareware]

That last one was funny... although I think I have heard it somewhere before... but it was still very funny. How about this one. I actually think I posted this somewhere before, but anyway:

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: None, they would just make darkness the new standard.

BTW, a nice idea for a thread :D...


-JR-

[cyberwarpy]

Contributed by LisaG:

Windoze 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Contributed by Nathan_Roberts:

How many Micro$oft programmers does it take to make a truly excellent product?









More!.


Contributed by Starfury:


Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Micro$oft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[cyberwarpy]

Here's another funny one... :D

MICRO$UX TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"

REDMOND, Wa - The Micro$ux Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities"
of Micro$ux's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small
hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur,
burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of
destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the
accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Micro$ux Campus Security upon failing
to produce a valid Micros$ux keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have
been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing
psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid
Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things.
Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch
and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what
he's done."

Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide
screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments
before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just
terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high
strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we
need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is
under so that another such incident doesn't occur."

A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to
quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring
statutes on Micro$ux's part. Micro$ux Leg@l could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing
away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the
market."

Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.


:D

[MerryVIP]

Lets compare Windows into a gas balloon. When it gets into sky, it gets upper, and when that happens, it gets bigger. And it still rises and gets bigger and bigger. Finally it explodes. But then again, there's another balloon up on the sky.

[Bonker Gudd]

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

[Jareware]

MerryVIP, ya Finnish? Jees nähdä etten ole ainoa suomalainen korpisoturi näillä main :D.

And Bonker Gudd, I don't think win2000 sucks. It's actually better than any other OS I've used so far (beats MacOS in stability and Linux (+etc.) in compatability issues), but saying something like that would be in violation of the spirit of this thread :).


-JR-

[cyberwarpy]

I totally disagree on the fact that Linux could be inferior to Windoze 2000. Linux can actually have the ability to run (emulate) any Windows Operating Systems as a process window in Linux and actually run Win Apps 2x as fast...

The Spirit of the Thread is Anti-Micro$oft. Anything that exploits bad Micro$oft issues is welcome to the thread.

Originally posted by Jareware
MerryVIP, ya Finnish? Jees nähdä etten ole ainoa suomalainen korpisoturi näillä main :D.

And Bonker Gudd, I don't think win2000 sucks. It's actually better than any other OS I've used so far (beats MacOS in stability and Linux (+etc.) in compatability issues), but saying something like that would be in violation of the spirit of this thread :).


-JR-

[cyberwarpy]

What Does the 98 in Windoze98 Stand For?

The number of floppies on which it will ship.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
The year it was due to ship.
The number of seconds before it crashes.
BillBoy Gate$' age when it ships.
The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

[cyberwarpy]

Here's another good one :)

"Micro$ux Windows 95 Stuns World"
Friday August 25 1996 09:31 a.m. EDT

Redmond, Wash [AP] - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Micro$ux Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events.

It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui, spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product."

Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Micro$ux Network (tm) has changed all of that. It's such a small planet!"

On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's play some FreeCell!"

Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Micro$ux Video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City.

On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission.

When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Micro$ux's BillBoy Gate$, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!"

Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time.

[Zevlag]

These are some of the best.. check em out at:

http://www.progsoc.uts.edu.au/~baitoven/hatems/

Zevlag

[Zevlag]

I am looking for a poem/story taht I saw somewhere/sometime ago about a programmer who made a bet against the devil to win a Never Ending Donut machine... He like had to write a program that was backwords compatible with evry OS.. it was kinda funny .. wish I could find it.. I searched a round and couldn't see it.. If anyone knows where to find it let me know.. or post it here..

Zevlag

[tumblingdown]

Originally posted by cyberwarpy
Linux can actually have the ability to run (emulate) any Windows Operating Systems as a process window in Linux and actually run Win Apps 2x as fast...

What a completely pointless sentence.



td.

[ghost ryder]

wow, u all seem 2 have it in 4 microsoft, i cant blame u though, the scum ran hypocompuglobalmeganet out of business, and he MUST PAY!! (waves big flaming stick in the air)

[MerryVIP]

Jereware: Jeps, enkä minäkään ole se toinen ainoa suomalainen. kajeman on suomalainen kans...:rolleyes:

Q: Why Bill Gates is a rich man?

A: He co-operates with Satan.

Q: And I thought Bill Gates IS Satan...

A: ...Why are we talking about this?

Q: What?

A: This. Bill Gates thingy.

Q: Because he is right now in contact with your computer.



Dang, I'm bad. Worst possible. Unfunny. Someone kick me.

[Bill Gates]

:D

[chrisjk]

Originally posted by ghost ryder
hypocompuglobalmeganet They have the internet on computers thses days.

I'm not sure what hypocompuglobalmeganet, if anything, does, so rather than risk competing with you, i've decided just to buy you out.

[dimava]

I had a few good laughs, but you know what guys? if it wasn't for MSFT right now, you would probobly be stuck on a Mac or Linux (or something else) right now. Chances are that you would not be a programmer (like you are today). And if it wasn't for computer programming, many would be unimployed. I aggree that Bill Gates is taking too much advantage over the world, but who wouldn't with his power. Also, if microsoft wasn't as big as it is, all the bugs and everything wouldn't really matter. I have more to post, but i just dont feel like typing a lot right now.


~~~Dimava~~~

[barrk]

:p

[barrk]

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and
play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage
in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of
human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus
1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The
suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional
is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services
sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for
start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

OPERATION


Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install The
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences.

One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the
session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and
the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS


Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error
encountered. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.


Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users
do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

[Jareware]

Originally posted by chrisjk
They have the internet on computers thses days.

I'm not sure what hypocompuglobalmeganet, if anything, does, so rather than risk competing with you, i've decided just to buy you out.

Oh I loved that episode. And it had the Lord of the Flies takeoff... I actually read that book just a while ago (forced to by school). Was better than I thought, though.


-JR-

[Jareware]

Originally posted by MerryVIP
Jereware: Jeps, enkä minäkään ole se toinen ainoa suomalainen. kajeman on suomalainen kans...:rolleyes:Enpä ole tavannut täälä. Joo pitänee vaihtaa takaisin englantiin kun tulee muuten muille paha mieli :D...


-JR-

[cyberwarpy]

I thought you were a Dead man! :eek:

http://www.billgatesisdead.com

Originally posted by Bill Gates
:D

[cyberwarpy]

LOL :D

Originally posted by barrk
:p

[cyberwarpy]

You forgot to include:

display_JOIN_MSN_Message();
display_JOIN_AOL_Message();


In every possible loop... :D

Originally posted by Bonker Gudd

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

[scoutt]

I know this has been posted before but this is what it was suppose to be like. The real deal

GM vs. Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the car industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."

In a response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, the water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road map (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Scoutt

[dimava]

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There 's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it 's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well , I 'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There 's a gnat in my soup!

the check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

[cyberwarpy]

There was once was a young man...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said,

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Micro$oft, writing error messages.

[cyberwarpy]

The President of Lotus

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun! Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure :D

[cyberwarpy]

There was a pilot flying...

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Micro$oft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

[cyberwarpy]

Barney the Purple Dinosaur and BillBoy Gate$

Are Barney and Bill Gates really one and the same person? What have they in common? The self-satisfied smile? The smart outfits? Their popularity with children and other simple-minded folk? Or something more sinister?

Both are intent on world domination, Bill by monopolising the computer industry, while Barney corrupts the minds of the children with his inane songs. Will we be soon hearing this song from Microsoft?

"I love Bill! Bill loves me!
We're a happy family!
With a great big hit in your wallet, where it counts -
Give us cash in large amounts!" :rolleyes:

[Zevlag]

This is the BEST ANTI-MS story ever.....

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.

"Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't useit?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish?"

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, everyone has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, bang, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said defensively, "it took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said. "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have you holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to Bill."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously.
"Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you did convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"

"There's a lot of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

[cyberwarpy]

Six Engineers and a train

Three Apple engineers and three Micro$oft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Micro$oft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Micro$oft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Micro$oft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Micro$oft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Micro$oft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Micro$oft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Micro$oft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Micro$oft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..." :D

[Zevlag]

Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates appear before God. God says to them, "I'm going to destroy Earth in 2 days. Go back to your people and tell them." POOF! Back to Earth they go.

Clinton appears on U. S. television and says, "My fellow Americans, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we were right; there IS a God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."

Yeltsin appears on Russian television and says, "My fellow Russians, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, we were wrong; there IS a God. The worse news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."

Gates appears on Microsoft closed-circuit television and tells his employees, "Microsoft employees, I have good news and better news. The good news is, God considers me a very important person. The better news is, WE CAN FORGET ABOUT ALL THOSE BUG FIXES FOR WINDOWS 95!!!!"

[Zevlag]

Bill, the foreman and the furniture....
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room by stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

[Zevlag]

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
Acorns and Apples have air conditioning. No need to open Windows.
Windows means "Work is never done on Windows systems"
Customer: I'm running Windows 95...
Helpdesk: Yes...
Customer: ...and now my computer stopped working!
Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.
Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
"Windows for dummies", another term of "this sentence no verb"
Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
IBM creates Operating Systems - MS-DOSn't
Have you reinstalled your Windows today?
How do you fix all Windows bugs at once?
mke2fs /dev/sda1
deltree /y \
Windows 95 the most popular virus on the market today.
Windows95 - Plug and pray...
Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
Windows - a solitaire game that requires 20 MB and HD
Windows - The most expensive solitaire game you can buy
Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files!
If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual?
"Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches. It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an hourglass..."
Windows =Waste in DOS WorkSpace
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
Alt-F4. Just do it.
C:\ONGRTLNS.W95
Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine
Does someone know the cheats for Windows95?
This is an airconditioned room - Do not open Windows!
This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x
OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,Y]"
Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
Windows95 - crash compatible on Windows 3.x
Windows NT - Nice Try
Windows - a virus with mouse support
Windows is for fun, Risc OS is for getting things done
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
Microsoft is not the answer.
Microsoft is the question.
"No" is the answer!

[cyberwarpy]

Micro$oft Internet Explored and Marijuana.

You get both for free at first, but once you get hooked they raise the price.

2. Both will screw up your life eventually.

3. Micro$oft and the drug dealer know that you'll come back for more.

4. Drug use and Internet Explorer use have dramatically increased in the last few months.

5. Both crash your system sometimes.

6. Both marijuana and Internet Explored are advertised on TV.

7. Both drug dealers and Micro$oft want you to redistribute their products to others

[spetnik]

An electician, plumber, and Microsoft Tech are driving one day, when the car stalls. The electrician starts checking the wires, but cannot find the problem. The plumber then looks at the hoses and checks for leaks, but still nothing. Finally , the MS tech speaks up. "Hey guys, why dont we just close all the windows, turn off the car, get out, and try turning it on again?"

[cyberwarpy]

http://nilbs.com/jokes/ms_comics/underworld_explorer.gif

[spetnik]

Q. What's the difference between Microsoft Technicians and dead bodies?

A. People have respect for the dead

[cyberwarpy]

Yep, same here... ;)

Originally posted by Jareware
Don't let this thread die! I still want to laugh at microsoft!

:D



-JR-

[spetnik]

One day, Bill Gates decided to actually create decent software...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, couldn't let this thread die :D

[Lord God]

You shall be damned to hell because I am god! Mwahahaha!

:D

[cyberwarpy]

:D