Jokes!

[chrismitchell]

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around hisglasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

[chrismitchell]

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[chrismitchell]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.

[chrismitchell]

Note: "nerd" here can be substituted with any group that is the local brunt of jokes, IE Irish jokes, Newfie jokes,etc.

Three men are being carted off to meet Madam Guillotine during the French Revolution. A Frenchman, An Englishman, and A nerd.

The Executioner leads the Frenchman up the stairs and locks him in. He asks the Frenchman if he has anything he wants to say. The Frenchman says Vivre La France! The Executioner then pulls the cord but the blade fails to fall. The crowd goes wild, it's divine intervention and the Executioner lets the Frenchman go free.

Next he leads the Englishman up, locks him in and ask's if he wants to say anything. The Englishman says, Tis a far better thing I do, tis a far better place I go... The Executioner then pulls the cord, and again the blade fails to fall. The crowd erupts, another divine intervention. The executioner lets the Englishman go free.

He then leads the nerd up the stairs, locks him in and says, is there anything you want to say? The nerd reply's Well yeah, I think I see your problem up there.

[chrismitchell]

Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!

Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 98 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.

PnP: Plug and Pray (that it works)

Multimedia: Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software: It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity: You will need to increase your budget to buy more products like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer! That`s product-ivity.

User-Friendly: Picture of clouds

State of the Art: Pay for Bill`s next bid for a work of art.

Macintosh-like: It took Microsoft 14 years and it`s not even original.

Online Registration: Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft`s files for the rest of your life.

MS Plus: More money for Bill`s plus side.

Optimize: It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you`ll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity".

[chrismitchell]

If you introduce your wife as "[email protected]"

If your family sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If you introduce your wife as "[email protected]"

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

[chrismitchell]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"Andy," the new guy replied.

"Now, look," the manager scowled, "I don't know what kind of unprofessional place you worked in before, but I don't call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only--Smith, Turner, Baker--that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Stott. So now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Andy Darling."

"Okay, Andy, now the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[chrismitchell]

When you're on a workplace training course, think of it like this:

When you start the course, you are on-course.

When you're in the middle of the course, that's group intercourse.

When you've finished the course, that's when you're off course, of course.

[chrismitchell]

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

[chrismitchell]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," said the applicant. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

At this the interviewer exclaimed,"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

[chrismitchell]

John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[chrismitchell]

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.

As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

[chrismitchell]

This woman had just gotten out of the shower when her husband went in. Suddenly the door bell rang, so she put on a towel and went downstairs. When she opened the door it was the next-door neighbor Rob. "I'll give you $500 if you'll drop the towel," Rob said. So she dropped the towel, grabbed the $500, then went to tell her husband about the money.

Before she could say a word, however, her husband yelled out, "Hey, was that Rob with that $500 he owes me?"

[chrismitchell]

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push. "What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was. "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. "Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. "Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells. The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!" "OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

[chrismitchell]

What do you call a glass bra?

"Smash and grab."

[chrismitchell]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The door opens, and two men walk up the aisle. Both are dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. But one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines power up. The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that this is all a practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off but instead plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a bit sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[SurfDemon]

This guy gets washed up on a desert island with the only other survivor of the shipwreck. Imagine his joy when he finds out the other survivor is Claudia Schieffer (German Super-model.... really really really tasty... but I digress). After a couple of months and still no rescue, they begin to become used to their island paradise and eventually are very happy with just each other as company. Claudia is happy because she doesn't have a hectic schedule and the guy's happy 'cause, well, he's shagging Claudia Schieffer - what guy wouldn't be happy.

After about a year Claudia turns to the guy and says "I'm so happy here, you've made my life enjoyable again. In repayment I'll do ANYTHING you want."

"Wellll," starts the guy, "anything?"

She winks at him "Yes, ANYTHING."

"Okay, there is one thing you could do. Here tie your hair up in a bun"

She ties her hair up in a knot.

"Now put my hat on to cover your hair, and use the seaweed to make it look like you've got a moustache.". Claudia does this getting a little bit worried about whats coming next.

"Now can you speak in a husky, male sort of voice?". "Yes", she replies in a husky male sort of voice.

"Okay, now walk along the beach a bit looking manly.", he says.

Claudia complies more than a little bit worried as to how this is turning out.

The guy runs after her, catches up and says "Here mate, you'll never guess who I'm shagging!!"



SD

[chrismitchell]

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

[chrismitchell]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence, you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly
away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct
answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third
is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the
one with the wedding ring on, .........
but I like your thinking.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,'Today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example
of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers: 'All right,little Johnny, what is your
multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says,'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a
mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob".

[barrk]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy began: "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

Lucy was next: "Our family are farmers too. But we raise our chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is: Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Lucy," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun before it ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*k with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."