News Flash for the poor suffering Pomms

[Jethro]

The Australian Parliment today has decided to initiate food drops to the starving citizens of the UK following the true extent of their suffering being made public today.

A Federal spokesman stated, "We can not let the poor suffering people of pomgolia suffer without their staple diet of roast beef on Sundays. Therefore with the help of the UN we will air lift in containers of prime Australian beef over the next few weeks. All we ask is they take an equal quantity of Swan Lager and claim it for their own."

"Airforce crews have been advised to drop meat containers on any left leaning arty farty vegetarians who protest this action."

Following this news release, reports of Airforce meat raids on Nimbin have yet to be confirmed.

Good news for a change folk.

[chrisjk]

Watch it boyo. We'd rather have New Zealand lamb than your roo meat. And i think only Her Majesty bothers with Roast every sunday.drop meat containers on any left leaning arty farty vegetarians who protest this actionhowever that I agree with.

[Beacon]

Take the kiwis lamb us ozzies don't care. But i'd be careful, the only thing they can claim to be beating us at is the amount of sheep per square foot of land! So don't be taking to much we don't wantem getting to depressed!

An wudda you mean "her majesty bothers" i think the only thing her majesty bothers about is pulling her wedgey out of her crusty old ass!
I think you should say her majesty's servants bother with a roast on Sunday's...

[chrismitchell]

I love the way that everyone hates the British Royalty!!!

[Arbiter]

Silence Australian peasants!

There's nothing actually wrong with our meat - we just enjoy butchering thousands of perfectly good cattle!

I've had an outstanding money making idea, take containers of our disease free beef, stamp it "made down under" and sell it to the mad cow, foot & mouth disease ridden, convict breeding mother country. After all, we need the foreign income the way the south pacific peso is going.

I'll bet the number of Pommy vegetarians has grown recently (smirk!) :)

[Arbiter]

This 'foot and mouth' thing is madness!

There have been just over 700 confirmed foot and mouth infection throughout Britain and we must be on track for butchering most of the known worlds cattle.

Why?

Is foot and mouth harmful to humans? No. What does it do? It kills cattle. But we're going to kill them and eat them anyway! I can see this is going to get wildly out of hand.

An outbreak will be discovered in France and we'll immediately concrete up the chunnel to stop it getting over here and declare war with france.

Two weeks later, foot and mouth will be responsible for the complete nuclear destruction of Jakarta.

WHERE WILL IT END????

[chrismitchell]

Originally posted by Arbiter

Is foot and mouth harmful to humans? No. What does it do? It kills cattle.

An outbreak will be discovered in France and we'll immediately concrete up the chunnel to stop it getting over here and declare war with france.

Two weeks later, foot and mouth will be responsible for the complete nuclear destruction of Jakarta.

WHERE WILL IT END????

God knows when it will end... But it doesn't effect Humans I believe. But it is still very bad....

and in all honesty I think that we should block up the Chunnel just in case ;)

Nuclear desruction...... How would it happen? A Cow had too much and decided to take Jakarta with it?

[Arbiter]

Some rats eat a cushion in Jakarta and the locals confuse 'Futon Mouse' with 'Foot and Mouth'.

Britain then orders a tactical nuclear strike to neutralise the threat of contagion.

Could happen...

[chrismitchell]

Well stranger things have happened! I suppose...... :)

Originally posted by Arbiter
This 'foot and mouth' thing is madness!

There have been just over 700 confirmed foot and mouth infection throughout Britain

There has been another 2 cases this morning in the Glocester area :rolleyes:

[Arbiter]

That's it!!!

Set up a zone of exclusion, inform the TA, it's time to drop the hammer and dispense some INDESCRIMINATE JUSTICE!!!!!

Wait a week or so. By the time theres no cattle left on this god-forsake island, the government will authorise the use of vaccines.

Crass stupidity...

[chrismitchell]

In other words a savage beating from the TA!

Not justice, just a beating!

[paulw]

To put it in perspective - they have slaughtered around 450,000 sheep, cattle and pigs because of Foot and Mouth.

In a 'normal' week we slaughter around 600,000 for the supermarkets.

Go figure.

Cheers,

P.

[Arbiter]

Behemoth,

Do you have cloven hooves?

No, claws.

[HarryW]

It's more of an economic threat than anything. If we get foot and mouth again then we have to use vaccination which is expensive, sending the prices up and then basically noone will import meat from this country.

[chrisjk]

In a 'normal' week we slaughter around 600,000 for the supermarkets.
Lets burn our bra's :D

Originally posted by chrismitchell
In other words a savage beating from the TA!

Not justice, just a beating!

Reserve the beating till the aussie cricket team descends onto your blighted shores.

Arbiter

Not a bad proposal on Jakarta, can you push for that to be moved ahead as a priority. We have had just about enough of those *****s over Timor and Papua New Guinea.

Mind you our foreign minister, (the one who has a liking for black fishnet stockings), has threatened them with his teddy bear. I would like a certain Rugby League player to introduce Downer to the bear date option.

[Beacon]

hehe

Good no meat for england will mean you'll buy it from us!
First give us convicts, next foot and mouth what else.
Maybe give our cricket team the same diesease that has made your team so crap for the past decade.

Please don't just bomb jakarta!

[parksie]

Please don't just bomb jakarta!Okay then...we'll bomb you as well...then we'll move onto russia and the americans, before finally going out in an interesting way by setting one off in the middle of trafalgar square :D

I would have thought France would be number one on your list, followed by Quebec

[HarryW]

Don't forget the Germans.

[Beacon]

We don't care by that time your cricket team will need to kill us and india coz they can't compete!
I hope!!!!!

And anyway by the time you flew and sailed all the way from "great" britain you wouldn't have any food to feed your soldiers coz it'd all be infected with foot and mouth!
Plus setting off a nuke in oz wouldn't affect too many ppl we'd just move a few hours up the coast where still nobody lives in peace and harmony!

And anyway we have the best soldiers in the world the Aussie SAS would screw the Gurkhas up more than that rugby league player!
Maybe not the best equipment but the best soldiers!

[parksie]

You DO have good soldiers...but our SAS would kick yours into the next galaxy :D

And for your information...most soldiers would probably eat FMD infected meat 'cause it's harmless to humans :)

[Beacon]

I know that, f & m that is, but you won't have no cattle, sheep to give em!!

Your SAS give me a break!!!!
C'mon you's have big guns, scary ha not as scary as the americans though!

Our SAS bloody well train half the worlds armies!
And who do you send in first to do recon etc. not the british SAS!
Oz SAS aint big as the brits but that is an advantage!
B4 you even think about starting a war the oz sas are already there!
For example East Timor. They were there i hear 2 weeks b4 hand!

But seriously 3 cheers for the ANZACS!!!
Stuffed if we were going to be invaded!

[Beacon]

Oh and by the way if you were going to use some of you big missiles that you have and our minute army don't you'd only need to target 3 places.

Firstly you'd bomb the crap outta Perth. Why? Because it holds Australias Biggest Naval Base, biggest SAS force, has important southern hemisphere communication links for the USA and is so isolated that help would be too far away!

2nd You' bomb all of NSW and surrounds! You'd kill a large majority of the population, has the 2nd biggest naval base, biggest army base(i think), major training centre is there and coz you could bomb canberra as well with ease!

3rd You'd bomb Victoria! Why? Beacuse all australians who r not victorians dislike them! And it would be a funny to see them bieng blown up. Just make sure you blow up a town called Essendon first!!

[chrisjk]

The British SAS are widely regarded by anyone who has an ounce of sense as being the best-trained, most effective elite fighting force in the world. You have to be like Arnie, Rocky and mike tyson before they even look at you for inclusion

Face it oz-man, you and your convict-wreching country are no match for the Royal Navy, Royal Air Force and Army, so stop being making such a dick out of yourself by proclaming all the pro-aussie ****. How many nuclear warheads have you got?? How many Aircraft carriers have you got?? do you have the SAS?? No. So shut up and stop acting like a 5-year old who knows nothing about the aurgument they are rapidly losing.

[barrk]

Originally posted by chrisjk
So shut up and stop acting like a 5-year ......

Good advice Chris!

[chrisjk]

I never know how quite to take your comments. But just to please you, the US Navy Seals are almost as good as the SAS (i couldn't say as good because it wouldn't be true of course :D)

[barrk]

Jethro has a very interesting sense of humor.......I love it myself........but obviously you have to get to know him before you catch it.

The US Air Force ain't bad either btw ;-)

[chrisjk]

I was actually dissing Beacon but nevermind. Well yeah, a nice Son of Star Wars would be a good addition though.

[Arbiter]

I saw a film once called Navy Seals (I think - it was about them anyway).

Typical gung ho American rubbish.

Plot: Rising unemployment in Dakota has prompted the US to wage war on Libya.

Key Scenes: Terrorists getting riddled with bullets by Americans who appear to have a limitless supply of ammunition. Blood, guts, explosion - and that was just the opening credits.

The usual fare.

[barrk]

100% accurate in that assesment!

[chrisjk]

You know what really pissed me off...U571.

[barrk]

Originally posted by HarryW
Ah, well Chris pipped me to the post (literally).


Why am I not surprised?:rolleyes:

[HarryW]

What about that Enigma machine malarkey? Some American film caused a bit of uproar. That was just plain silly (the film I mean, not the uproar).

[HarryW]

Ah, well Chris pipped me to the post (literally).

[Arbiter]

Not seen U571 yet though I have it on DVD somewhere.

It's not more of the same 'Americans whoop ass' stuff is it?

[chrisjk]

Sorry that I stole your moment of glory Harry. But i was filled with murderous rage about a complete rewrite of history by Hollywood

[barrk]

Basically....yep. It is pretty cool in that you get the feeling of being inside a submarine...they did that well but the story was crap.

[barrk]

Originally posted by chrisjk
Sorry that I stole your moment of glory Harry. But i was filled with murderous rage about a complete rewrite of history by Hollywood

Gee...it must be nice to be so perfect Chris.....if it pisses you off to the point of a murderous rage....don't watch them. They won't mind missing out on your ticket price I'm sure.

[chrisjk]

The story was near-enough true, just the people it featured was historically incorrect (and now millions of kids world-wide have it all wrong - at least those whom didn't bother reading the tiny text at the end which effectively said it was actually the Royal Navy who stole the first enigma machine, and the us navy didn't steel one until 2 years before the war ended). But what you ganna do?

[chrisjk]

Originally posted by barrk
Gee...it must be nice to be so perfect Chris.....if it pisses you off to the point of a murderous rage....don't watch them. They won't mind missing out on your ticket price I'm sure. Now who is taking who wrongly. That is another quote from the Simpsons. And i didn't give them a penny. I saw it on DVD round a mate's gaff.

[Arbiter]

Hollywood is allowed to completely rewrite history.

Leave the Americans alone, the poor mites.

If they don't convince themselves they discovered;

Tanks
The bouncing bomb
Toupee's
The pen
Oxygen
Britain

Then they'd just implode.

When they start talking about how everything's 'bigger and better in the States', just smile and nod knowingly, making soothing noises. They'll go off, bomb Libya and be happy again...

[barrk]

If kids US or English are getting there history off of watching movies that's half the problem right there!


Pax, truce, *smooch* Chris.........please!

[barrk]

Originally posted by Arbiter
Hollywood is allowed to completely rewrite history.

Leave the Americans alone, the poor mites.

If they don't convince themselves they discovered;

Tanks
The bouncing bomb
Toupee's
The pen
Oxygen
Britain

Then they'd just implode.

When they start talking about how everything's 'bigger and better in the States', just smile and nod knowingly, making soothing noises. They'll go off, bomb Libya and be happy again...


Now THAT was funny! Sarcasm without the nasty edge........take note....this is how it's done!!!!!!!!

[chrisjk]

Originally posted by barrk
Now THAT was funny! Sarcasm without the nasty edge........take note....this is how it's done!!!!!!!! I'm not trying to be funny outright, i was making a point, but trying to lighten it a little with :cool: quotes. I shant bother in future :(

[barrk]

Yep.........you'd be a nutcase all right!

[chrisjk]

OH REAL FUNNY, my post got replaced :mad: (murderous rage)

[parksie]

I think this is John's revenge for clogging up his server :p

[Arbiter]

Chris,

I think you should avoid Germany - there's still a lot of post-war political ballet going on, even now.

Why not invade Kamchatka instead?

[chrisjk]

I wonder if that is the sequel to Nightmare on VB World Street..."John's Revenge"

[chrisjk]

Originally posted by Arbiter
Why not invade Kamchatka instead? Never heard of it, but i'm sure they've done something wrong.

[parksie]

Originally posted by Arbiter
I think you should avoid Germany - there's still a lot of post-war political ballet going on, even now.Well that's their problem for not being able to take a joke :rolleyes:

[Arbiter]

True.

As an aside, one of the funniest things I saw was Fawlty Towers when the German couple were having an argument with Basil (him trying to do his best not to mention the war) and he came out with the immortal line.

"No, you started it - you invaded Poland!"

Laugh? I nearly bought my own beer!

[chrisjk]

That was truly a great moment in television :)

[parksie]

Classic comedy...I love that episode :)

[Beacon]

Chrisjk!
You so need to chill a bit!
If anything i was giving your cricket team crap mate!
And then victorians...
It was a joke a bit of humour to get your back up!
Worked suprisingly well on you though!
I love your brits patriotism its astounding!

Just to answer your question: do we have an sas?
Of course and there the best in the world!(humour)

From
The 5 year old making a dick outta himself!!

[HarryW]

Wow, you're such a complete ******!

Hey, it's only a bit of joke humour to get your back up. Chill.

[chrisjk]

Well Beacon, maybe the first time it is marginally amusing, but to keep dissing us isn't very funny. If i continuously ripped the piss out of oz, you'd soon get annoyed. I'm the first to admit that this place stinks sometimes, but it does some things well.

Yep, the cricket team are a bunch of pre-schoolers. You got me, they are ****. But the rugby team kicked you and south africa's arses not that long ago, and our footy team is romping. We are crap at pleanty of stuff, and i'm sure you are as well.

I might also add that it is quite difficult to tell what people mean when they write. You can't see their facial expression.

Now repeat after me..."the SAS are the best" ;)

[Mega Muffin]

Originally posted by HarryW
Wow, you're such a complete ******!
******?? Where?? Who?? Stay away!!

I love the aussies, they gave us Neighbours!!!! Actually, maybe that isn't such a good thingI might also add that it is quite difficult to tell what people mean when they write. You can't see their facial expressionAin't that the truth...

[Beacon]

Good point chrisjk! I'll shut up now!

Originally posted by chrisjk
I wonder if that is the sequel to Nightmare on VB World Street..."John's Revenge"

Yeah we do crap soap operas. THIS is a warning to everyone in Pommie Land....DON'T WATCH NEIGHBOURS....it just encourages them to make more episodes.

And.................yeah we are total rubbish at Soccer, though that didn't stop us from beating the Scots...hehehehehehehehehehehehe

Hmmm.....grudging admittance that your Union team is pretty good:rolleyes:

[Jethro]

Ah..............back in the days when chrisjk wasn't into the swing of things;) Now he's almost a good bloke.............for a pom that is:rolleyes:

[Beacon]

Good one Jethro!!:)
I was looking for this thread!

Sure got up the poms in this one!:D

Harry: **** You!:p :p ;) ;) :)

[beachbum]

I thought it was only Raab that dug up threads from back in the stone age :p

[simonm]

And.................yeah we are total rubbish at Soccer, though that didn't stop us from beating the Scots...hehehehehehehehehehehehe
And who hasn't beaten the Scots at football?

Next, you'll be claiming with pride, that you beat the Welsh! ;)

[Gaffer]

Originally posted by Beacon
Good one Jethro!!:)
I was looking for this thread!

Sure got up the poms in this one!:D

Harry: **** You!:p :p ;) ;) :)

Every time I see you Aussie ladies on this site, you're Pom bashing. It's funny how you all change when you eventually get over here. Almost, like, educated...

Almost

:p

[Beacon]

Awwwwwww shuddup gaffer!
No i'm not just most/some of the time!

Simonm you read the entire thread???
This is probably one of my first posts i ever made in chit chat!
No doubt i learnt from the experience!

[chrisjk]

Originally posted by Jethro
Ah..............back in the days when chrisjk wasn't into the swing of things;) Now he's almost a good bloke.............for a pom that is:rolleyes: I was young and inexperienced ;)

You have way too much time on your hands man!

[Jethro]

Originally posted by chrisjk
I was young and inexperienced ;)

You have way too much time on your hands man!

Yeap have to say it "You'r now a good bloke".

Simon

No comment on the Welsh, they can be deadly with a leek:eek: