Real programmers don't. . .

[Guv]

Years ago, there were a series of one-liners which started with "Real ..... don't". They were mostly humorous macho or feministic remarks with some truth to them. BTW: "Feministic" is not in my spell checker. I had to use the dictionary.

I now realize that there should have been some about real programmers.

The following was recently posted in a Thread

if you notice i don't capitalize anything... its just the way i type.. i mean i'm not typing a paper for college..
so i really don't care about proper typing
im a programmer.. the only time i care about capitalize is if it affects my variable names or something like that...
besides that i don't care...

Real programmers don't know how to spell Words which are not keywords in their favorite language. A smart human can decrypt misspelled words.

Real programmers do not document their code. If it was tuff for them to write, why should it be easy for anybody else to read?

Real programmers use binary machine code. If it's good enough for the computer, it's good enough for them.

Real programmers use the most obscure esoteric techniques possible. It is more important to impress other programmers than to get the application working sooner.

Real programmers do not care about the real world. Programming is a goal in itself, not a means to an end.

[HarryW]

I've met a couple like that

While you're on the subject of spelling, I notice you use 'tuff' instead of 'tough' all the time - is that in your dictionary too? I'm just wondering if it's an American spelling.

[kedaman]

BTW Swedish tuff = English tough

[Ianpbaker]

Real programmers use 10 lines of code to do something that can be done in one, just because it looks more impressive

[HarryW]

Either that or use 1 line of code to do something they ought to use 10 for, just because it looks more complicated

(Well you can do it in C anyway, VB uses newlines as statement seperators)

[Iain17]

Hehe, VB can do that.

Private Sub Form_Load(): Dim i As Integer: For i = 1 To 10: MsgBox i: Next i: End Sub

[Ianpbaker]

Real programmers don't know minor error's, they just say there quirks of the system

[HarryW]

Ahh yes, thank you for pointing that out; I had forgotten. Aren't you meant to be somewhere Iain?

[Iain17]

Been there done that Harry. Bored the life out of me as well, now i am just chilling at uni.

[HarryW]

Well if you meet a girl in the second year named Tara, ask her if she knows a Harry. I think she's doing Geography or German or both.

[Guv]

HarryW, I do most of my posts in WordPerfect, using the spell checker. I also review them before posting.

I am obsessive compulsive, and try to avoid typo's, misspellings, et cetera, but I deliberately misspell tough as tuff.

As a prank (perhaps to attract attention), I used to spell many words phonetically as a protest to the weirdness of the English language. Along with many other misspellings, I used reed and red instead of read ("I will reed PC Magazine tomorrow, yesterday I red some articles from Scientific American.").

Tuff is the only word left from that era in my life.

I still try to find reasons to put punctuation outside of quotes. In grammar school, some English teacher gave me a hard time, and I started looking for ways to show them up. Every time I had a new English teacher, I would manage to get him/her to claim that punctuation belonged inside quotes without exception. Then I would dream up sentences like

Are you the one who shouted "Fire, Fire!"?

[paulw]

Real Programmers don't write error routines - they don't need them their routines are perfecttttttcdghbah@:~)*^dzw!!"fm,lcm'v86H(*^lpus09=g. Damn


P.

[Fox]

Real game programmers write 1000 lines more code if
it makes the game 0.5 FPS faster on 1 of 100 computers

[Guinness]

Real programmers do NOT use VB...lol

[Fox]

That was mentioned before..

Real programmers use binary machine code. If it's good enough for the computer, it's good enough for them.

[Benjamin]

Originally posted by Guv

I still try to find reasons to put punctuation outside of quotes. In grammar school, some English teacher gave me a hard time, and I started looking for ways to show them up. Every time I had a new English teacher, I would manage to get him/her to claim that punctuation belonged inside quotes without exception. Then I would dream up sentences like

Are you the one who shouted "Fire, Fire!"?

that is so annoying!! why does the puncuation have to be inside the quotes?
it looks confusing, it's like the punctuation is part of the quote, and you aren't ending your sentence.....

Originally posted by Iain17
@Jethro, Real programmers dont drink sherry.

So your not a real programmer then.

[kedaman]

Real programmers use some api's and then call the code "their own"

Real programmers copy others code

Real programmers modify others code

Real programmers don't call themselves "Jethro"

Unreal programmers aren't real

Real programmers hate caps lock

Real programmers don't eat real food

Real programmers don't sleep at night

Real programmers don't sleep at day

Real programmers use Windows

Originally posted by kedaman
Real programmers use some api's and then call the code "their own"

Real programmers use Windows

What a lamer

[Guv]

Real programmers don't use 4 digit years. They already use 5 digits, and are prepared for the year 10,000 & beyond.

Originally posted by Help
Real programmers still use windows 3.11 for workgroups and code in qbasic.

Real programmers use Unix and code in C.

[Sam Finch]

Real Programmers program in REAL.

[HarryW]

Real programmers program in Befunge.

[paulw]

Real programmers get round the limitations of the code by doing a spot of soldering and hard-wiring...

Cheers,

P.

[kedaman]

Real programmers don't know how to program an alarmclock

[kovan]

real programmers dont speak Finish

[kedaman]

kunnon ohjelmoija kovan, ei osaa mitään

[kovan]

ok i think i kinda cracked that one

"good programmers can do anything"

i dont know what jahas is thou

[kovan]

actually i think this is better

"no kovan, good programmers can do anything"

yep thats better

Originally posted by kedaman
kunnon ohjelmoija kovan, ei osaa mitään

Does this make kedaman an unreal programmer?

real programmers think they can program windows better

real programmers dont say they are a 'REAL PROGRAMMER'

real programmers dont know where they are

real programmers think food is not essential

real programmers think errors in their programs is a fault of microsoft

real programmers talk to their PC

real programmers ARGUE with their PC

real programmers try to download pizza of the internet

real programmers only sleep whilst their PC is rebooting

real programmers get married when their 80 when they forgot how to

real programmers will spend chrismas in front their PCs

real programmers will spend new year in front their PCs

real programmers dont have PMS
( a bit low but true!!!! )


[Edited by chenko on 12-24-2000 at 08:29 AM]

[parksie]

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real program.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people with weak minds.
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am, its because they were up all night.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.
Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via computer mail networks.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

So whats a REAL programmer?????????//

[parksie]

Me.

Got the problem today though. Have to map a set of eight figures on a chart....ho hum....no use of controls etc, must be done via coding, which should give me an advantage over the C++ boys cause vb handles this sort of thing pretty simply.

So far have the rough outline of a program ready to go, one form, load the data, and display on the form itself. Will post the code once complete...it will be a bit rough but what the heck. Now if l can get away without API calls will be happen...too hard to explain to the non-windows guys why you have to use them.

[barrk]

Sounds like fun! Enjoy and do well.

[Guv]

Real programmers cannot do arithmetic. That is what computers are used for.

[nukem996]

im dislitstic, i dont know why they make the name so long. but alot of smart people are and i cannt spell, i can mostly code. in fact if i code too much i talk in code. and im the alimate computer neard i know more about computer then the top computer science teacher in my school. (im only in 7th) i can write when i need to.

Real, Really real Prgmrs R 1 who will B PAID 2 READ this column!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????

Bright new Year!!!!!!!!!!

Harish H.R.

katie

Got placed 17 out of 83 *sobs*. I knew l should have applied labels to the columns. The guy who initially won did this great code in C++, but was disqualified after it was discovered all the meaty stuff was in .h files.

And before anyone says "what only 17 people entered" it was actually approx 104. The winner did hers in delphi...whoa a chick won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!