Santa Claus

[Juan Carlos Rey]

What´s the name of Santa´s wife?

[Sam Finch]

Mary Christmass

Mrs. Claus :rolleyes:

[zmerlinz]

Bob, because if you don't know someones name they are always calleld Bob.

Merlin ¿ :confused:

[HarryW]

I'm sure Santa gets all the chicks, I reckon he's a bachelor.

[Juan Carlos Rey]

Is Santa female? Cause I´ve heard that names ending in "a" are always female!

It's absolute mayhem there. Santa can pull thirty or so cones a night, that's why you never get what you are asking him for. And if the over weight one is reading this, I am still waiting for my life sized darlek robot you fat bastard! <- Sorry dropped into Alexi mode there

[barrk]

Dr Who rules!

[barrk]

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s
a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia
Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would
all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of
the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get
lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to
stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
-Men can’t pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to
be seen with all those elves.
-Men don’t answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described,
even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful
of jelly.”
-Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s
wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test.

But not St. Nick.

Ok in oz, tradition states you have to leave out a glass of whisky and a piece of fruit cake. Which is always gone in the morning. Now multiple this by a million or so house holds.

Two points:

1. No women would eat all that fruit cake.

2. No women would drink that amount of alcohol and still drive. But most Blocks will still claim they are ok to drive.

Actually thinking about it Santa must really pull the cones to eat that amount of fruit cake.

[barrk]

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas
night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at
least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop
out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him,
get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78
miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe,
moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run
(at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or
roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not
the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In
short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of
A second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his
trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be
subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.