A joke about programmers.

A programmer fell in a lake and drownded to death. There was a rescue boat nearby but they didn't know what was going on because the programmer kept on shouting "F1 F1 F1 F1"

Anyone else got any good programmer jokes?

[Mark Sreeves]

Anyone else got any good programmer jokes?


this implies that you had a good programmer joke! :)

you didn't think it was funny?

[Bob Baddeley]

go here--> http://www.coe.montana.edu/ee/info/jokes.htm

and prepare to laugh for a few days afterwards. Seriously (well, as serious as jokes get). GO HERE. Don't doubt my word.

bob

[da_silvy]

my 300th post!!!

yeah!!!!
oh well, i'm going to go to bed, i have to be up for school at 6:00AM, but where i am it is 11:13 PM

[SteveCRM]

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, its a hardware program!

http://www.jokepost.com they have a whole section on computer jokes


Why are computers like air conditioners...every time you open windows they break.

[Fox]

*lol*

yeah, I heared there are really people like that out there... or even people who wants to insert the second install disc.. works, then the third.. works not because only 2 discs find place in a floppy ;)

Have you guys heaed of someone putting white out on the screen??

nope, I have not heard of putting white out on the moniter, but megatron, I am sure it'll come off with some acetone... :D

How about this:

Someone calls in to a computer assistance center and say "My computer keeps saying "cannot find printer" I even tilted the monitor so it faced the printer and nothing happened.

[Sam Finch]

I heard about someone ringing up and saying that their drinks holder was broken

[Sam Finch]

oh, and a mate of mine's dad put his keyboard through the dishwasher.

That reminds me: There was a Coca Cola program that had a similar thing like that. They said, for christmas, they'll provide us with a free drink holder and when you press the button, the CD-ROM opens.

[Sam Finch]

lol. I might program that and send it to a couple of people.

Here's a joke but in a way it's true.

Any asy way to get people to know your program is to send it to a warez site. That way you get FREE advertising.

[Juan Carlos Rey]

A friend of mine, giving phone advice on Unix:
My Fiend: Write "Root"
Customer "It gives me an error"
-Are you sure? Try again - "ROOT"
-No way, "error"
-How do you spell "Root"
-Man, the way it is, "Ruth"!
:)

Some books never published

Ethiopia's guide to world domination
Easy Unix.

And i'll get to you guys on some more :)

[da_silvy]

i know of someone who didn't want to use his computer because everything he typed was in capitals,






he had caps lock on :)

This sounds more like a true story than a joke :)

[Sam Finch]

What's E.T. Short for?






























He's Got small legs. :D (I love that joke)

Questions...with no answers
============================

What do you add to get instant water?

What do you put at the top of a box of cotton?

If corn oil comes from corn, where dos baby oil come from?

If peanut butter cookies are make from peanut butter, what are girl guide cookies made out of?

Why do we turn down the radio when looking for an address?

those questions can be answered, well some of them..
baby oil comes from mineral oil and fragrance..
and I would put cotton on a box of cotton, hehe...
and I seriously have no idea why we turn down our radio when we are looking for an adress... its not like the house is gonna go
"hey its me, look 4565 n. south road street, over here"

and about the instant water..
add 2 moles of H2(hydrogen) and 1 mole O2(oxygen)
sorry for getting so "technical" like I told you before, I am a science geek :(

Those were meant for being funny. Maybe I should have worded the title differently.

[da_silvy]

it doesn't really matter :)

[Sam Finch]

There was a story in the Big Issue about a guy who actually went out into the desert and sold Instant water, just little plastic bags but the natives didn't want open them until the drought season because they cost £100 each.

yeah I know they were meant for being funny :)
I was just being kind of a smart ass....
if butterspray* is made of butter, than what is hairspray made of?

* incase you dont know, butterspray is something like pam, its a cooking spray

I'm not good at science, what's a "mole" Is it short for molecule?

[Sam Finch]

a mole is a certain number of particles, I can't remember how many, I think a mole of hydrogen weighs a gram and a mole of oxygen weighs 16g (oxygen is 16 times as heavy as hydrogen)

but how could that help you get instant water. Don't you have to put it in a cynthisizer?

[Sam Finch]

nah, you just need a match, hydrogen burns quite well if there's enough oxygen.

[noone]

A mole is a unit of measure, kinda like a dozen.
A dozen eggs = 12 eggs
A mole of eggs = 6.02 * 10^23 eggs

The difference is that a mole is an increbly large number, its useful for talking about atoms because they are so incredibly small.

Sam-> So I could just go out and buy a clump of hydrogen and oxygen, and all I need to do is burn it to get water?

[Juan Carlos Rey]

A mole is a quantity of an element equivalent, in grams, to its atomic weight. It is the abbreviature of Molecule-Gramm. Is very convenient to study combination of elements, because they tend to combine to each other it exact number of mols.

It is true that hydrogen (from Greek HYDRO = Water and GEN = to Generate) produces water when it combines with oxygen, but it is VERY dangerous. NEVER TRY!

[Edited by Juan Carlos Rey on 05-07-2000 at 06:36 PM]

buy a clump of hydrogen, and buy a clump of oxygen?
hehehe, I hope you know they are both gas, unless it is extremely cold....
and a mole is 6.02 x 10^23

[Sam Finch]

christ 6.02x10^23, that just brought back a whole load of memories of chemistry lessons I'd prefer to forget.

if they were anything like mine, then i would not want to remember them either...
last week the teacher was boiling some alcohol, and cought the science lab on fire.
a week earlier he lit off a baloon full of hydrogen....
yep, he's an idiot, and he tried to tell the class that a mol was 6.02 x 10 ^ 26, but since I an a geek, I read chemistry books. and I corrected him....

oh well I am a geek....

oh and once, when my sci. teacher was trying to show us what plasma(gas with charged pos. and neg. ions) looks like, using a tesla coil, and a tube of mercury gas....
well the idiot shocks himself and breaks the tube with the gas... we have to evacuate the room.......
he is so stupid....

I just used the work "clump" for a expression/slang.

[Sam Finch]

Dennis, I'd have loved it if my chemistry lessons were full of explosions and danger, we just had some git standing at the front waffling on about half equations and occasionally we'd do an experiment, usually getting a clear liquid mixing it with a white powder and magicly getting a clear liquid that smelt different. Fun.

well now that I think about it, my class is pretty cool :)
but flaming alcohol on your backpack is not good....
the teacher cought both of his hands on fire, and a couple backbacks on fire. hehehe....
me and a few other kids almost lost all our homework....
:D

[Bob Baddeley]

In a carefully controlled experiment, we exploded hydrogen filled balloons with candles. It shook the entire building. Very cool. We also messed around with glow in the dark stuff on our hands (make sure you wash very well. It tastes terrible). Then there was the "magic show" where we demonstrated these cool chemistry principles to parents and students. It was great to see their faces and do all those explosions and color changes.

Then there were all the labs, like fractional distillations, redox, etc... and the crazy tests, and finally the AP test (I got a 3, my lowest score on an AP test so far).

Ah, chemistry was great.

bob

[kedaman]

How to calculate mole:
n=m/M
n=mole
m=mass
M=molemass, for hyrdogen 1.008g/mole, for coal 12.01g/mole...

I didn't like Chemistry much.

[da_silvy]

what's the difeerence between a mole and a molecule then?

[kedaman]

cule, of course.

Molecule - Atoms attached to each other
mole - an amount of something (6.02 x 10^23) per mole

Has anyone ever seen actual molecules under a microscope?

[Sam Finch]

yes.


people actually smooth surfaces by picking up molecules and moving them around to make a flat surface.

[kedaman]

You need a electromicroscope

Here's a boggoling question: What "material" are atoms and molecules made of?

[Sam Finch]

quarks

[kedaman]

And quarks are 5 dimensional, no don't start this again. Let
's change subject, or we have dimensions all over chitchat

[gfurner]

I thought quarks were made of strings.

[da_silvy]

it's all way over my head.

But if atoms are made of quarks, than what are quarks made of? (sorry, kedaman, I'm just curious)

[Sam Finch]

Well technicly everythings made of energy.

But matter isn't Energy so how can we all be made of energy?

Here's an example. Feel your mouse, or your carpet or something. That is a type of a material. What would an atom or electon or proton or neutron feel like?

[kedaman]

Sam's right Meg, matter is energy. We have Einsteins formula E=mc^2 from which you can calculate how much energy ie 1g water consists of. E=10^-3*(3*10^8m/s)^2=3*10^12W= that's three Terawatt, well how long can you travel with a car that goes on 10l pure water?

E=10^-3*(3*10^8m/s)^2=3*10^12W= that's three

Whoa! That's a little confusing. Can you break it down a bit?

[da_silvy]

i think it's all too hard to understand any way, i'm only in year 8 :(

[Pentax]

Dont worry, you'll get to it.
And as for what molecules (or atoms, or protons, or quarks) feel like when you touch them that's no sense in asking.
When we feel, it's because our nerves react to touch, and quarks are to small to make the nerves react (that is when they are alone. Together they build up things which we can touch).
For instance, if you mix 7.5*10^28 u-quarks, 6.5*10^28
d-quarks and 2.^5*10^28 electrons (and you mix them the right way) you'll get a girl to touch. And try to tell you can't feel her!

But it's always hard to get a grip of things we can't really feel, touch or taste, like quarks.
Don't let them get to you!
Pentax

What are u-quarks and d-quarks?

[Pentax]

It's different types of quarks.
As far as we know now there are six different quarks, but only two of them (u and d) build up matter.
U and d stands for "up" and "down", and is made to different them from each other.
A u-quark is charged with +2/3 and a d-quark with -1/3.
A Proton is made up of two u-quarks and one d-quark, which gives it the charge 2* 2/3 - 1/3 = 1
A neutron is made up of two d:s and one u, which gives it the charge 2/3 - 2* 1/3 = 0

Pentax

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He
explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the
Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got
the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't
say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled
look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely
takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer,
turns away and returns to sleep.

Here's another one!
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having
an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Pentax]

An engineer says that equations approximate the reality.
A physics says that reality approximates equations.
A mathematican just can't see the connection.
Pentax

Q: What you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?









A: Not enough sand.

[baja_yu]

That was a realy funny joke! :D

[Static]

Baja.. this makes 2 old threads! lol

[baja_yu]

Yeah, but its a good joke :D

[programmer_boy]

These jokes are bad! I feel offended!

[umilmi81]

There were four programmers on a cruise ship. An American, a Russian, a Cuban, and an Indian.

The Russian takes out a bottle of fine Vodka, takes one swig and throws it overboard.

The American programmer says, "Hey, do you know how much that costs?" The Russian replies, "In Russia it costs nothing."

Next, the Cuban pulls out a fine cigar. Takes one puff, and throws it overboard.

The American programmer says, "Hey, do you know how much that costs?" The Cuban replies, "In Cuba it costs nothing."

With that, the American programmer throws the Indian overboard....

[umilmi81]

An engineer says that equations approximate the reality.
A physics says that reality approximates equations.
A mathematican just can't see the connection.
Pentax

A Liberal Arts major says "Would you like fries with that?"

[programmer_boy]

A Liberal Arts major says "Would you like fries with that?"


Seems we've all been reading the same site :)

[crescent_fantasies]

gee guys! your teacher/prof sure is stupid... although that makes a boring class fun. I sure wish our chem teacher is as idiotic as that. *my! im bad* :blush: :wave: and also, i think your prof is just a dare devil.. :p

[programmer_boy]

gee guys! your teacher/prof sure is stupid... although that makes a boring class fun. I sure wish our chem teacher is as idiotic as that. *my! im bad* :blush: :wave: and also, i think your prof is just a dare devil.. :p

Our chemistry teacher trained us to fight against our government!
:IKnowHowToMakeBombsFromNothingElseThanWaterAndBatteries:

[grilkip]

:IKnowHowToMakeVodkaFromNothingElseThanWaterSugerAndYeast:

[wossname]

:IKnowHowToMakeVodkaFromNothingElseThanWaterSugerAndYeast:

I got told off for making gunpowder in science class once, firing books into the air is "not allowed" apparently.

Q. How many ASM programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. EAX

[programmer_boy]

You are l33t man!

[SpS]

Discussion between two computer professionals about a software...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

It also gives a 'Bug warning' as..
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[k1ll3rdr4g0n]

Oh, they have recently released a patch for that. Its called Gun 1.0. You use it on Wife 1.0 ONLY. Then Mistress 1.1 will run flawlessly, allowing you to use your system normally again.

[fahad k]

....................
With that, the American programmer throws the Indian overboard....


it seeems someone jus got bangalored!!!!!

[SpS]

A beggar meets another beggar.
A software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
So, Which Platform are you Working on ???...

[randem]

If you uninstall Wife 1.0 does it cause your system to restart? And if you install Girlfriend 2.0 it installs a Trojan just in case Wife 1.0 get back on the system.

[SpS]

.....:)

[thegreatone]

.....:)
Haha, just seen this, that's great :D

[Shaggy Hiker]

You trolling the depths of history today?

[thegreatone]

Indeed i was.

[capsulecorpjx]

A programmer fell in a lake and drownded to death. There was a rescue boat nearby but they didn't know what was going on because the programmer kept on shouting "F1 F1 F1 F1"

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

[wossname]

Q. What did one web developer say to the other?








A. "Duh, I done a fart. hurrr hurrr hurrr." *Dribble*

[SpS]

Don't let this thread go to ashes now

Here's another one

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you
can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it
or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.