Bumper Stickers

[chrismitchell]

I can't remember if I have posted this before.. But I thought that people could do with cheering up!

BUMPER STICKERS

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With *******s
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) My husband and I are divorcing due to differences in religious beliefs....he thinks he's God and I don't.

[chrismitchell]

I also can't remember if anyone posted this but these are funny.

UNDERSTANDING WOMENwritten by a women)

FINE:
This is the word we use to end an argument.
"Fine" means that the argument is over, we are right,
you should shut up.
Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour.
It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I
don't care."
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will
talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement verymisunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand. She is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will
stay content.

OH:
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that."
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing
last night."
If she says, "Oh" before a statement, run, do not
walk, to the nearest exit.

She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes
out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you
for at least 2 days.

"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that
you are caught in a lie.
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will
get raised
eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable
that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before deciding on your punishment for what ever
it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and
used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead."
At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer.
A woman is giving you the chance to come up with
whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say,
"You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at
you.
It signifies that you have hurt her in somecallous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

[crispin]